I am not being chased.

But I run now. I joined the legions of Couch to 5kers almost three months ago, and I haven’t progressed all that much. Being sick a few times and a vacation trip caused some setbacks but not by a lot. I’m just not supposed to run as I’ve always said. I’m not that out of shape, but I’m not a runner. I’m a hiker.

I’ve had mild exercise induced asthma for as long as I can remember. So I don’t run. I walk. Baseball suited me because it only called for short bursts. I wouldn’t even run if I were being chased by hostiles. I always planned to stand my ground, for better or worse. That was my battle plan. I always challenged myself to see how much pain/punishment I could take in preparation. (We can analyze why I was so preoccupied with expecting a fight around every corner some other time.) It was too the point that, back in the D&D days, all of my characters were stout dwarves who couldn’t run and had such obscene endurance and strength that they could stand and fight until the cows (minotaurs?) came home. Naturally, they were what I arrived to be – it was a fantasy world after all.

But back to running. If I was so against running, why do I run voluntarily now, with no destination or threat of danger? Desperation. As I mention in my previous entry, the hiking is not happening. My lunchtime walks around the city are not even happening. My calorie intake is up, and my exercise is down. Therefore, I run. Ok, so I jog in short intervals. It’s keeping me fit enough, maintaining, not gaining too much at least.

There are days that I want to throw in the towel, give up, just let myself go, but that’s not what I want. That’s depression talking. If I’m going to be me, if I’m going to live at all, I don’t want that.

That’s it. I don’t have a goal. I don’t give a damn if I ever get to a 5k. I don’t care about racing. My only goal is to see what I can do without an inhaler. I may be at my limit already with week 3, but like I said, I don’t care. My goal is not distance, and I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere. I’m not being chased.