Entry #1 [Journal Series]

This entry is probably my most vulnerable and is amended in entry #3.

This is part of a series of entries containing entries from an old journal I started in high school. These will be followed by links to the scanned images of the original pages if you’re interested.
If you’re just tuning in, Start Here

This entry is a little late because I originally wrote it on Friday, September 9th oops, (scratch that) Thursday, September 8th, 1994, but I wrote it in pencil in another notebook, thereby breaking the standards I have set in the introduction. However, this means nothing because standards and rules are for chumps. Limits, rules, standards, or any administrative criterion are only used to make efficient work possible for those who are impatient. Time-savers — I’ve got all the time I want, I’m not in a hurry to get nowhere fast. I will admit that when I am deprived of sleep long enough I am grumpy — as anyone would be — and I tend to lose my patience, but I am not perfect. I’ll be the first to admit that. However, I believe I would be much closer to perfect if I was allowed to live in an environment that fits me best, but that is true with anyone. So, I make my mistakes and I have a difficult time admitting that when I do, so feel free to slap me around a little if I try to dodge that admission. Maybe I’ll learn someday if you do. but I have not yet even begun the entry I originally intended to write here. By rewriting the following entry, I am also changing it because although it contains much that I cannot change — this is because it is made up of words that I have collected together to express a portion of my deepest beliefs, feelings, emotions, etc. — I may, however, re-organize and possibly even add to it. So, here it is!

I love people, plain and simple. I may only speak of my feelings and emotions to a few and thereby appear to be a “quiet” person because of the few words I speak to anyone else. But inside I’m actually screaming and, at the same time, crying because no one can hear my scream but me. This is a source of great pain for me, for I cannot cry; I have not found a sadness profound enough to provoke tears in a long time. This causes this pain inside me to snowball without a way to release it. This pain does not go away as does physical pain, it comes back no matter what you do, and I can only hope to lessen it. I doubt that I can do it alone; I feel as though I am sealed in a solid block of ice and that there must be at least one person who can chip or melt away that block and free me. Will I ever be free? Or will my feet be frozen forever and drag me down till the freezing waters consume me and drain all life from me as the color drains from my skin? I don’t want to be frozen produce on someone’s shelf. All I want from life — all I’m asking for — is an end to my troubles and a free spirit so that I may help others find the same because I care about people, as I said before. I said “love” but for me, love simply means caring about another being. Love is that simple! So simple, so basic, and yet so meaningful that people seem to feel compelled to make it more “special,” more complex, more “sacred,” than it really is. It is as if they cannot accept its simplicity. They describe it like its a sacred bond between two and only two people, but I say it is not so because it is much more open than that. I love many people and they are people. They are individuals and gender does not matter because this love is not related to the physical attraction used to ensure the continuation of our race. It is dedicated to the preservation of existing life. Though the two may cross, they are not the same. Please, do not misunderstand me when I say I love many people, for I do not love all people because love is not the only emotion that we possess, and I do not try to love those that I do not because I cannot. We must allow for our other emotions, such as hate, to exist where love does not and leave it so. I can easily see those that I love by mere visual contact I can make this connection! It is so easy, so simple, and I can love without being loved because I do not try to make it more than it is. How can I distinguish those that I love from those I hate? Well, the people I love have a special light, a spark or sparkle in their eyes, possibly something only I see (although others may experience something similar in those that they love,) but these eyes draw me into their depths, deeper and deeper as my gaze lingers in this beautifully intangible world. I fear I might get lost in it if I visit too long. I have a feeling that one of those people could be the one to set me free, but most do not even know my name and I cannot express my love openly in the world because I fear I may be misunderstood (which has the potential to ruin everything) if I do not explain myself as I have done here. But who has the time to explain all this if your audience lacks patient attention and interest past the exchange of greetings? And I see no set of words small enough in number — yet large enough in meaning — to span that bridge between two minds and have my ideas at least accepted upon initial contact. But I will not obtrude or force others to share the same beliefs. Although, if at least some of my ideas were accepted, the world might be a better place for me and those that share similar beliefs. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I encourage that because it would be a very dull world if everyone thought alike and no one would value the life of another if there was always a clone to replace them. There is a balance of all things, and the balance should not remain too long tipped to one side, and it remains in constant motion. Constantly changing but never at a perfect balance for more than an instant.-[September 16th, 1994]

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