6/5/06

Picking out Father’s Day cards was tough this year. I normally pick something humorous to avoid needing to actually think about expressing what I really feel. I mainly resort to that because I never remember to get a card until the absolute last minute when there is no time to think about such things. And it’s always last minute because that’s where such holidays are in my priority list. It’s unfortunate, I know, but I think I learned it when I was younger.

I never understood the holidays that well, and it’s not something anyone could really teach me. Or at least it cannot be taught if no one realizes it needs to be taught to someone like me. It’s a lesson I guess I had to learn the hard way. I needed my grandfather’s impending death to get me to make the time. It took that “there may not be a next time” thought to straighten me out. We always say that, but it always seems like such a remote possibility. Now that I’m older that remoteness is diminishing more and more.

When I had lunch with my father last week, I told him about my grandfather since it’s my mother’s father. He said (probably not word for word), “Well, if there is anything good to be found it in, it’s that at least you know and everyone has time to make sure nothing is left unsaid.” He never had that chance with his father. I think his father died suddenly of heart attack in his mid-fifties, and I never knew him. His mother died of breast cancer, but he was glad he had the chance to say what he needed to say. I didn’t really have that chance with my other grandmother because in her last moments I would have only been able to say things that I needed to hear myself sayto her, so I said nothing. I knew my grandfather didn’t have many years left in him, but at least it was still years right? Well, time is up, and I not going to squander my last chance.

So, needless to say, I avoided the humorous cards this year. It took me a long time. I’m not even sure how long I spend going back and forth, checking out every card that looked promising. I wasn’t happy with the “for grandfaher” cards. None of them seemed to really fit. They all seemed so distant, as if written for someone who doesn’t really know their grandfather. My grandfather is hard to pick cards for because he’s not big on showing affection, but I know it’s in there. I finally settled on one that said few enough “wrong” things that I could at least underline the right things and write my own message.

So then I went on to look for a card for my father, and I avoided the humorous cards again. He deserves more than that by now. In doing so, I came across the perfect card for my grandfather. So I put back the card I had settled on, and I resolved to scratch out “Dad” and write in “Grandpa”. It’s a really nice, expensive card, so it will look ugly to scratch out something on it. But I’m not going to pass up a great card just for that. It’s no wonder the “for grandfather” cards weren’t right for him because in a lot of ways, he was more like a father than a grandfather to me. He did all the things with me that my father couldn’t or wouldn’t do because we was too busy or wasn’t into it (like baseball or mowing). By that time it was getting really hard to keep looking for cards because I was fighting the urge to cry the whole time. The longer I spent reading cards the more I needed to cry. But after I put the wrong card back, I found one that is perfect for my dad. I’m even having trouble not crying now, but I’m at work at the moment. I just overspent my lunch break writing this, so I’m going to go now.

p.s. My co-worker just turned me on to The Fray, so that’s what I’m listening to rightnow. Good stuff, but probably not helping.