Today

I’m better today. Well not 100%. I wish I were.

I spoke to my adult kids about what happened. I apologized for not being strong enough to not get swayed by the demons in my head. They reiterated that we are in this grief journey together and that they loved me. That I am to call one of them should I feel like I am heading down the hopelessness trail again.

Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and a Not-Otherwise Specified Mood Disorder do not mix well with the twists and turns of grief. I honestly thought I was doing better.

I didn’t realize how bad I was. How much of a hair pin the trigger was set to. I was set off by a squash a couple of days ago. Then my mother came at me with a laundry list of issues and just broke me.

I’ve spent the day trying to make sure that I was surrounded by the adult kids. Made sure I wasn’t alone with my mom for too long. Made sure I ate and drank water. Some basic self care steps that I needed.

I’m going to write out a contract for the kids to have and for me to keep a copy of so that this doesn’t happen again. Or get as close as it got. It is hard though.