The fluidity of free writing…

I frequently say that I do not want to be the adultiest adult in the room.  Because then everyone relies on me to do and be all the things.  I have wanted for a very long time to not be the adultiest adult.  But here I am, supposedly with my ducks in a row.  I looked online yesterday at possibly being able to qualify to get my own mortgage.  I was DENIED hard.  And it talespun me into some dark thoughts and me just wanting to be alone.  I have been kinda there ever since.  Not in the dark place, but wanting to be alone.  I was working very very hard a couple of years ago at getting my credit all in order.  And then I moved back south to be closer to family.  It took over a  year to find work, substantial work.  And in that time the grief thing happened.  So my credit and all the work I had done, gone.  Poof.

I have also been thinking about retiring.  I know I probably can’t.  But the thought is sure nice.  I have enough symptoms and conditions to qualify for disability, but I present very well on everything.  So the fight would be hard and I don’t want retirement that much.  Or do I?  It is a struggle.

We are (we being my family and the BF) are thinking of relocating to a different state.  The state my sons were born in, the one they spent their childhood in.  But we have to figure out funding.  Which right now, the plan is for everyone to throw in stimulus money at the moving/getting place to live fund.  We have until the end of June to make a decision.

I suppose I should get back to work.