I Guess It Is Time

I have been avoiding the next stage of grief because I don’t want to keep moving forward in this world without him in it. But I know he would be furious with me for what I have been doing. He would literally tell me to pull my head out of my ass and live.

And it is hard. Remembering self care has been hard. I used to work helping the mental health community. I know where I am heading. It kinda scares me. But it wasn’t enough to scare me to where I needed to be. The thought of “I need to take a break in a mental hospital” didn’t scare me.

That scare came today. And it wasn’t really a scare as it was just a click. I’m not sure what it was exactly: the wake up call from my bestie; the target shooting; watching our son get his letterman’s jacket; finding old messages that said “I love you”. Not sure if If was all of the above or part of the above. But like I said, it clicked in place. There is still the ball of anxiety in my stomach. There is the anguish in my heart. But there isn’t hopelessness anymore.

So here is to that stage of grief that comes next. The moving on. The remembering. The what comes next.