I Don’t Want To

I don’t want to move on!  I don’t want to keep moving forward away from you! I don’t want to because the further I get away from you… I don’t remember what your voice sounded like. It’s only been a month… and I can’t remember your voice. Every day that you aren’t here, I lose more of you and I can’t handle it. It is like time is taking you further away from me now that you are dead. And I can’t handle it. I want you. I want you here physically beside me. I want to hear you. I want to open Facebook and see your posts about the state of the country and how you don’t like people. I want you to text message me and ask me for recipes. And I want to message you and tell you how I am feeling and have you ask if you need to walk here with your pliers to help me. I WANT YOU HERE!!!!

How do I exist in this world where you not? How do I keep moving forward, knowing what time is doing? I want you back. I thought I was strong enough to have you gone. I told you that numerous times. But I’m not. I was wrong. So desperately wrong. I feel like I’ve written this before. I am taking Ativan like they are candy. Because I cannot wrap my brain and my heart around this sorrow. And I don’t want to move forward if that means I lose pieces of you. No. I don’t want it at all.