Es No Bueno

This entry may disturb some – just an FYI.

• Drinking alone while grieving – Es no bueno
• Finding funny things on the internet and NOT being able to share them with you – Es no bueno
• Preparing for the one month mark of losing you – Es no bueno
• Having dreams about one of our kids dying – Es no bueno

I looked up ways to contact spirits last night. While tipsy. Found out there is a Jewish memorial candle that I can get and use that will help me with that. I trust that more than the other options Google spouted out. So I’m buying the candle. I need to hear from him. I need to. I don’t know if it will make my mental state better or worse, but it is just something I need.

Yesterday (it was not a good grieving day yesterday – some days the grieving is mixed with happiness and the like – yesterday, no) I was looking at the ashes that I received and I kept seeing all the bone fragments. I was bothered that they were not separate. I have been bothered by it, but yesterday it really got to me. So I went in the kitchen and got the finest mesh filter I could find (mesh tea ball) and I separated the two. I have a vial of ash and a vial of bone. I felt better. Morbid? Yes, but I feel better.

I keep wanting a time turner or a DeLorean or something just so I can go back four weeks and a couple of days and say and do some things I didn’t. I keep wishing for that technology. I wouldn’t warn him about anything, I’d just hang out with him until the me from four weeks ago called and needed him. I know it is science fiction, but I want it.

My business isn’t going where I need it to go. The very rural community I live in is very poor and they just can’t afford the product I sell. They want the product; they need it. But I cannot, in good conscious, ask them to squeeze blood from the turnip.  I know what that is like. So, here I am not really succeeding and feeling like I made a grave error. It could very well be my grief talking. But, there have been three other people trying to make this market work in the last three years…. they couldn’t. I’m trying to remain positive. But I feel I need to brush up the resume.

Things are so topsy-turvy now. I want stability. I want him back. I want our plans. Yes, I know he is now more with me than ever before. But he’s non-corporeal and that … my corporeal self can’t deal with that. It is driving me mad.

Es no bueno.