And Then I Exhale

Counseling Session Day 1 done.

It is hard to be high functioning everything because of the pressure that was placed on me as a child to be the perfect everything.  And I know my mother didn’t do it knowingly.  It just happened.  Because she needed one less thing to worry about and I needed to please her because I could see how terrible life was for her.  Doesn’t make any of it better, but it is what it is.  And usually being high functioning everything means that people in mental health don’t see me as someone that they have to help out a bunch.  I have tried counseling 3 times before this.  This time though, it feels different.  And I think it is because we aren’t doing the whole “start from the beginning thing”.  We are starting with “what is getting in the way now.”  And that is easier.

I want to be better.  It took losing so very much to get me to this point.  And that is the rub, because isn’t that what normally happens?

Day 1 is done.  Now to get the meds and start taking them so that I can get all the other days and work on *gestures to all of me* this.