re-reading my diary

Last January I felt close companionship with another person. Fortunately nothing came of it and I believe I kept most of my integrity for that situation. This is no way to live a marriage. People have replied to many of my old posts with wisdom…even for their age. Some things are obviously right…others are not.

I don’t feel depressed about it…I feel next to nothing… This is perhaps more terrifying than I first thought.

I am writing my own diary and my own story of what has happened over the last seven years to try to understand what is going on. . .  nobody will read it… I might show my wife. this will cause much debate.

but now she is in much pain as she has develped Shingles. It’s brought on by Stress and the last thing she needs is more stress from me.
I am getting the impression that we are destroying each other. It’s not a nasty abusive deconstruction of our relationship, rather a slow stiffling of all life which should bring joy.

Someone very wise told me that "you should not have to work so hard for love". That is, you should not destroy yourself to hold onto something that does not bring you love.

sure you care for someone, sure you even love them. . . but do we really… that is truly LOVE them by our actions?

If actions were to speak, I’d say no.
If intentions mattered, I’d say yes.

Intentions really mean nothing without action though. James makes this really clear.

We aren’t living as a response to love.

Over the last seven years, I don’t want to think that we’ve been living a lie. I want to think that we’ve been loving each other. But where is the fruits of our labour?

I feel very little…