no trust

The problem is, if I cannot be faithful to my wife, then how can I be worthy of her love? It’s the same reason why I broke up with Angie. . . mind you, Angie really wasn’t happy with me. I got the feeling that we were totally addicted to each other.

I presented my story to my wife about all the stuff that has happened in our relationship from some 6 years ago until about last month. I have not had the guts to tell her about the specifics about the most recent incident. Honestly, this is not a good thing. . . I don’t understand why I cannot give myself totally to her. There are many reasons why our marriage is not good right now…not all of them are because of this stuff. A lot has to do with her addiction to her work and our mutual inability to fully devote ourselves to our marriage.

It takes a certain type of love that can truly inspire a life-long commitment and faithful devotion. I don’t feel like I can provide this right now. It’s so sad. I’m not a complete person right now. I’ve always looked to others to fulfill me…when in reality, I need to be a complete person first…then at least I have something to give!

There’s the whole other issue of "the other girl"…she’s refered to as "my angel" because she is the one that inspired me to be honest with my wife and with myself. I can’t remember the last time someone made me smile so much. I can’t remember laughing so much with another person.

We talk on the phone almost daily now. We exchange emails incessantly every day, many times a day. She lives in Europe. I live in Canada. It hurts that she’s so far away and I cannot see her. She makes me feel alive… She knows I’m married (in fact, I was wearing my ring the whole time but one day…for which she noticed right away). She knows about my wife and the stuff that is going on in our relationship.

I feel so confused about my desire to see my Angel and to work on my marriage. I’m supposed to be working to keep my marriage together…yet daily I’m checking flights to Europe and planning on telling work that I’m leaving for another two weeks in September. 
I don’t like the sounds of any of these options:
http://redbook.ivillage.com/sex/0,,q355,00.html
The more I talk to My Angel, the more I want to be near her. Her spirit is truly amazing and it feels like we are made for each other. Everything we learn about each other seems to be so totally perfect that we don’t understand why we live so far apart.
I fantasize about moving away to New Zealand with her for a year… but what about my wife? How could I do such a thing to her?
I don’t understand this interplay of my heart. I told my wife that I left my heart with my Angel for safe keeping. It seems to be the truth. It’s so unfair to her that I feel horrible about it. When we try to make love, I keep thinking of her instead… ouch… I don’t understand how this can be!

maybe i don’ t have a heart