dreams

I have heard this story several times and I wanted to share something about it that’s personal to me:
You hear about the person who woke up one day, only to realize that their dreams of their youth are probably never going to happen. They are saddened at the prospect of a labourious, mundane existence of going to work, sleep, going to work, sleep and so on. It’s like a right of passage that many people talk about. It’s the death of our dreams.

I’ve never had the opportunity to share such feelings. I’ve always been the type to be in control of my emotions. I’ve always been the level-headed type. I must admit that I have always been in so much control of my life, that perhaps I was not really living. . . I certainly wasn’t dreaming of some bright future.
Sure there were times when I would say to myself: "I would love to go to India. I would love to go to Africa." But aside from a distant thought, I never really got excited about it.
Once I did…I just graduated from University and I wanted to go to India for a month or so. I had everything all set up in my mind…but then my Grandmother got really sick. So I put my dream aside and went and spent some time with my Grandmother…which is something I will never ever regret! That time was really meaningful to me.

However, we must continue with my story here.
So we get the picture that I’m not the dreaming type…that is, until Herrang. Herrang is this little fishing village in Sweden, South of Stockholm. The nearest bank machine is about 30km away…so you can imagine, they have nothing much to do there. Except for one month out of the year, a huge Lindy Hop dance camp comes to town. Anywhere from 400 to 1200 people per week will go and dance there. The whole world really dissappears when you are there. You dance some 12-16 hours a day at a minimum! Sleeping is rare..and eating seems optional. But, one thing is for sure, anything you think you know about the place, pales in comparison to actually being there.
..right, back to the point…
Well, I never really was a dreamer until I met my Angel. Now, this girl truly was someone remarkable. She "rocked my world" so-to-speak…why? I cannot say for sure. . . but I do know, that she woke something up in me that has been sleeping for about 10 years. She fit my dream girl that I thought would never exist… I mean everything… She was smart, she knew how to have a good time, she danced, she liked me… she was physically stunning to me… Anyway, it was as though she woke up the part of me that had forgotten how to dream.
Suddenly, I wanted to go to New Zealand and work for a year… The future seemed so bright… It seemed so alive. I felt so alive! I wanted to share my joy with this person. I could not get enough of spending time with her. I mean, we both knew that in a few days, we’d have to go back to our normal lives… but really, it was something special.

But then… just as quickly as she came into my life…she left. I had even gone so far as to buy a plane ticket to go see her (that is dated September 23, 2006)… she said that she could not see how we could get along if I came there. She felt like she would feel obliged to give herself to me if I came…. ouch… you could imagine how that made me feel!

So… now, I feel like I woke up, with all my dreams crushed into a thousand pieces. . . I mean, it’s not her fault. She didn’t crush them… it’s just so sad… I miss the joy we shared together. I miss the connection we had. I miss the dreams I had a small taste of. . . I was so fortunate to be so close to the girl of my dreams… sometimes I still wish she felt the same way… but she doesn’t.
So now, I must move on. I must learn to make new dreams. I still love her. I always will. It probably terrifies her that I do…but I cannot take away what I freely gave and still give.
…but, I must learn to make new dreams…or else I will surely die… that is, my spirit will go back to the death it was living before… a slow numbing death.
I need a new dream…