broken dream

About six months ago, a colleague and proprietor of a company in New Zealand offered a work term to me. Apparently they are in need of qualified and competent work.
About two to three months ago, I started thinking about it and was getting very excited about the idea. I told my wife about the idea and then asked if she would go with me.
she said she wouldn’t.
ouch.
it is still true that we don’t live together full time.
something is keeping us apart.
we blame it on our jobs…. it’s not one sided. it’s not like it’s all her fault.
neither of us want to give in to each other.
Neither of really know what we want.
it’s horrible to think but in confidence and anonimity,
  (err….for the one who knows who I am, please keep this to yourself)
I’m going to start planning my trip to New Zealand.
I don’t think I can go until sometime near december…

it’s my two year anniversary with my wife coming in August.
We are planning a trip to Seattle WA for a Master’s dance workshop.

I’m totally terrified about this now. How can we continue to masquerade about like this?
both of us know something is up. we both know something will "hit the fan" so-to-say….soon.
We’re both depressed and walking on egg shells.

As mentioned before, I’m writing my "story" down…I should transcribe it to a letter to my wife in hopes of opening the dialogue. we have worked through tough times before, but this is truly a culmination of them all.
she fights for me…she really does love me…I do love her.
but we don’t seem to share the same dreams.

I feel guilty when I watch those wedding shows on W-network about people who are so maddly in love that they could never see themselves living with anyone else. They have so much passion and desire to live together and share the rest of their lives together.
I never felt like that. I feel guilty about this.
I don’t think I’m alone in this either.
it shows in how we live.

we certainly care for each other. Without a doubt we care immensly for each other and never would want to hurt each other.

I miss living. . .
I don’t feel like we’ve "fallen out of love" as some people put it.
I’m not so sure we ever had this passion to start with.