6/20/2012

I took Friday off work. I’m not sure if I’ll actually go or not, but the intention is there. It feels like its too late; I don’t know why I waited six years and I don’t know why I feel so strongly that I should do it now.

I seriously started thinking about doing it last summer when that Facebook group was created. Although I still thought of him often, it wasn’t usually that consuming, but being out back in contact with so many people from chat at one time really stirred up a lot of emotions that I had tried to bury. I think that, plus Lilly’s death earlier this month, has created the perfect storm where I feel like I NEED to go – for me.

Now, i just have to follow through with it. It’s quite the drive, but I think it will give me closure that I never got when I skipped his funeral.

I spent a lot of time reading my other diary today, the one that went all the way back to 2000, with all of my immature, idealistic ramblings, all of my justification and excuses for doing things I swore I never would. I know that all of the ups and downs I had along the way were meant to bring me right where I am today. Even people who seemed so inconsequential were there for a reason. There are some people I regret losing contact with and there are some I don’t. I’d never reach out to any of them because honestly, I’m not that hard to find if they wanted to be in contact with me.

A few things I realized as I was reading:

I really did love Anthony. Even in the end, the third time around, we were just there for each other, even as he went through a divorce. Probably the best thing he ever did for me was tell me that he didn’t know if he could ever be the man I deserved or give me the life I wanted (marriage and kids). That conversation gave me the strength I needed to choose John. It was probably the most selfless thing he could have done for me, even though he told me months later how much it hurt him.

I was a better friend to a lot of people than they ever were to me. I gave a lot and got walked on a lot for it. But you know, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t mind who I am, and I don’t mind giving more than I should. There were also people that were there for me when I needed it, letting me sleep on their couch when I had nowhere to stay, letting me borrow money when I was short on rent, GIVING me money when I had none and no prospects of income. I like to think I pay it forward now that I have a job. I don’t have a lot, but I’m willing to give.

John knew almost immediately that we were meant to be. He told me just a few months into our friendship, when I was still 100% hung up on Anthony and kind of smitten with Jon, that he could see himself marrying me. He spent the next two years telling me to find somebody else because he didn’t want to lead me on but he wasn’t ready for a commitment, but he did tell me very early on that he could see us married with kids.

John and I still fight about many of the same things we fought about ten years ago. I guess they’re not that big of issues if we’re still together after all this time. It’s been almost twelve years since he and I met, and even when I say I want to leave, I never can. Well still be fighting in another 12 years, and 24, and probably until the day one of us dies. He really is and always was my soulmate.