Time Heals

They say time heals all wounds…. but what is the time frame?

I feel like I am slowly moving forward, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that its already been a month; 30 days have passed.

I feel like you – you think things are fine. I honestly have felt like the night the dirty laundry was aired was the day you felt it was over. Sadly – it was just the beginning.  I have said to you that I understand the feeling of “freedom”, relief, and that a huge weight had been lifted off of your chest, hell, I felt the same. BUT – following that comes accountability.

Things have slowly transitioned back to our old routine – exactly what I am not willing to stand for – yet I have fallen victim again.  I am doing your laundry, I am keeping the house picked up, I respond to your phone calls and text messages. I am still your “wife”/partner.  I don’t feel like your change is for the right reason. I stand by the fact the only reason you are “sorry” is because you got caught.  I still feel like you have an excuse for the faults.

I deserve to be waited on hand and foot. I deserve flowers. I deserve you picking up the slack unprompted. I deserve actions. I deserve a valid apology. One that comes with accountability, vulnerability, empathy, and love.

I feel like when I confront you and ask questions, or even vent to you that I feel like I have been left to clean up your mess, you just shrug it off. Or you give more information – almost like WE are in this situation together. You share and its almost like you are fondly reminiscing. Or defending. Today I let it be known its hard to distinguish whose side you’re on.  I have said and will repeat it I feel like you treated her better than me. Like you loved/cared for her on a different level then you do/did me.

I still feel like I’m being lied to about the emotional intensity of the affair. You claim it didn’t mean anything. You claim you were ending it. You claim that you had been pulling away – but the proof I’ve been given contradicts each of these statements……. to use your least favorite phrase – make it make sense. If it didn’t mean anything to you then why did it last longer than a year? If it didn’t mean anything to you then why did you share our children? If it didn’t mean anything to you then why did you have plans of a future with her? If you were ending the relationship then why when I confronted you multiple times in a 6 month period did you continue to deny the relationship? If you were pulling away then why did you almost beg her to not end the relationship? I do think she filled a void in you.  You just don’t want to admit it.  You have not texted me like that in years.

I firmly feel that the way you talked about me in your text conversations are your real feelings for me. That you feel like I’m a nagging, bitching baby momma – and I’m only that way because its who I am. Not because of any actions that you have brought on.

You are just going through the motions I have asked. I feel like behind the actions are empty feelings. I feel like its robotic. Maintaining so that way I feel like there has been a change. A reason to stop asking the questions. To stop dwelling on the affair. To proceed on.  Long enough to be built up, so that way you can continue.  I feel like you have a backup plan in place for when I don’t behave how you want.

I’ve tried to express to you that I am done. WE ARE SEPARATED. But I am not sure if you understand what I am saying. What it means. The actual magnitude of separation.

I really don’t think time has healed anything. I think you have decided to not work through the reasons behind the infidelity. I think you have blocked the emotions out of our relationship and it is familiarity, comfort for you. It’s all you know – it’s safe. I know for me, it’s too much to deal with. It’s easier for me if I just go on and continue to hype myself back up. Knowing what I should be doing, avoiding it at all costs. Trust me – I remind myself daily that you do not deserve me. But – remember that entry, “you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink” – I’m not quite ready to make the final cut.

I think if anything time freshen the wounds.

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.