Remember When…..

Do you remember when we met?

I do – it was briefly in 2001, little did I know that the chance meeting would be my future….

I was living in the dorms at EMU, you had come up with my boyfriend to party at the college level.  We were introduced and you weren’t thought of again – until a few years later. We crossed paths vaguely during my 2 year relationship, but it wasn’t until 2004 when you would become my future…

We rekindled a friendship of sorts and that friendship transpired into a 20 year relationship. While much of our “dating” was done online thanks to time zones and distance, we built a good foundation.  We poured our love for each other in cards, e-mails, and instant messages.  We spent 6 months apart from one another building “us”.  I can remember the moment I first heard your voice on the phone – I giddly whispered to my friend “this is the man I’m going to marry”.

“This is the man I’m going to marry”

Those words haunt me now…..You never wanted to marry.  As you “joked” for years “divorce is too expensive”. I used to laugh along with you, not understanding what you meant and why you believed this.  It wasn’t until a few years ago did that sentence bother me, it mocked me over and over.  All I had dreamed about growing up was being a teacher, married, and having children. It was a simple dream, I never wanted to be rich or change the world. I wanted normal, basic, and minimalistic.  The reality: chaos – it’s been a relationship of nothing but chaos. I sometimes wonder if we had been married would I have stayed this long or would I have left years ago….

I believe that you are capable of love, marriage, and finding your soulmate – I just don’t think its me – and that is OK. I have said this for years now, people can break up, they can leave relationships that no longer benefit them.  Walking away and saying that we tried is not failure, staying and breaking one another is.  Walking away and ending a relationship is not the easy way out – it is just as hard.  I gave you multiple outs; leaving on mutual terms, leaving on good terms, leaving without resentment.  I saw some of the text messages between you and her; you spoke to her differently then you did me.  And it wasn’t just because you wanted sex. You spoke to her kindly, deep conversations that held meaning, you heard her needs, you heard her fears.  You spoke to her in a way that I was begging for, it came so easy and natural between you two….And as you said “You weren’t ever going to tell me.“. Sometimes moments of sadness creep in and I feel bad for you….Weird huh? I do though, I saw the exchanges between you two and I know you loved her, I know you cared for her, and I know you didn’t have closure. I feel like you are settling with me; because I’m familiar, I’m comfortable, I am all you have known for the past 20 years….

My heart doesn’t hurt as much anymore. It’s come to terms with some things. What hurts now is knowing that for 1.5 years, you hated me, you belittled me, you were talking about me as though I was a horrible human, and during that time I was losing myself trying to be better for you. I thought about everything you had a problem with me and I believed you.  I believed you, I trusted you, I was sharing my vulnerable moments with you – and you used them against me.

You had the opportunity to not hurt me. 
You had the opportunity to love me. 

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.