Mindfuckery of Sorts

I find myself asking the question “Why” so often now.  Whether it is aloud, amidst silent sobs, or silently like a broken record controlling my thoughts….

That and

“what the fuck“

So many times I find myself coming here to type a few words, hit delete, type a few more, delete again – to walk away and sit in silence.

That silence is deafening. It is soul crushing.

Me – the one who is long winded, the girl “who talks a lot”, the one who always needs the final say; can’t put something into words? I feel like a bug that has been caught in a web by a spider.  I’m alive – I’m aware of my surroundings, but I’m stuck – the venom is mind and body altering. No matter the amount of fight I put up – it’s too exhausting. I waste precious energy, fighting – All while my predator watches, almost releshing in my pain, my struggle, my hurt – proud of themself?

When did we become the prey and predator – when did our love become fight or flight?

I watch the world through a shell, my tears fall, with an emptiness behind them.

I often wonder is this my final goodbye – will all of the answers you sought be found within my writings?

It’s terrible to say that someone broke me – to think an individual had that much power over me. It’s not a literal power nor is it only one individuals fault – maybe not their fault at all.  But I know what love is supposed to mean, I know how love is supposed to be expressed, I know how decent humans react – and you – you did none of those.

You. Played. Me. 

You took all of my flaws, weaknesses, vulnerabilities and USED. THEM. AGAINST. ME. – to benefit yourself.

I question everything.
I replay everything.

I just want to understand –

WHY.

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.