Everybody Plays the Fool

Falling in love is such an easy thing to do
And there’s no guarantee that the one you love
Is gonna love you

I swear this is literally the soundtrack of my mind…”Everybody Plays the Fool” – you know the song from maybe the late 80’s, early 90’s? Welp that’s what is replaying in my mind. Why you might ask –

It’s another pool tournament weekend.  Our second one since the affair was exposed. My mind isn’t anymore at ease this time around as it was 3.5 weeks ago. In fact, it’s in a much worse place. We had an argument Monday, and sometimes there’s things that you can’t come back from – Monday night was one of those nights.

Moving along, the biggest issue I have with the affair is reading their text messages and seeing his mannerisms. One could say he was just feeding her lines of bullshit to fuck her. While that is probably 80% true, I feel wholeheartedly 20% was truth. He made a point every morning to send her a good morning text, he made a point every night to wish her sweet dreams. He flirted with her. He made it known he understood her fears, her concerns, her worries. He seemed patient and kind with her. He apologized to her. He wanted her. He fought for her.

But why is this a big deal – as I said, I am sure some of it was just saying whatever it took to fuck her.

It’s a big deal because of the things I was seeking, validation was the biggest. I was constantly asking him to text me – it didn’t have to be paragraphs, I just wanted “I love you“, “Have a good day” – something to let me know I was thought of. He would get angry and make me feel guilty because he was at work and working hard and couldn’t be bothered. I couldn’t understand how a one liner could take away that much time when he works solo most of the time and is his own boss. But now I know… he was texting her all day long. She consumed his thoughts, his actions. He was caught up in her. He was reckless with her.

Fast forward:

He has been away since Wednesday. I have not gotten a good night text. (she got one nightly) I have not been asked about my day or our kids. (she was always asked about her day) He hasn’t even called me or checked in. He’s done the bare minimum – if that. Here I am the fool, responding when he texts with uplifting, positive, and loving messages. Taking his calls and listening to him. Waiting to be asked about me, our  kids, waiting to be acknowledged. And now – checking my phone because hours ago he promised he’d call.

I feel dumb.
I feel stupid.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to her – but how can I not? Everything I was needing and wanting, begging for – he was giving to someone else.

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.