A Love I Love to Hate

One minute I love you. One minute I hate you.

Is that what twenty years does or is that what narcissistic love does.

Since the first day that your affair was exposed you have acted like it is water under the bridge, like cats out of the bag so we can move on. I can’t fathom that. I understand being free from the lies and secrets. But I would think a new fear, a new anxiety would creep in…..the thought of “what’s next?” – I would be wondering if I was going to lose everything.

While you vocalized that you are “all in” and that you are giving “100%” and “completely done with the dating apps, Facebook groups, and her.” – you’re misunderstanding the fact that in my world I have zero trust, I believe nothing you say, because for over a year you looked me in my eyes on multiple occasions and lied to me. I need to see the actions. Yes to be petty, I need “proof”, I need to see it all.  And you owe me that. You broke the trust it’s your job to rebuild it. I deserve full access to your accounts one time with you present.

I still feel like I am still being played. I feel like you are warming the oven while waiting for the microwave. To see if times heals me and I come back. To see if I forgive and forget enough for us to proceed on. Then you will delete the apps and unfollow the groups. (Chances are if that scenario happens you will still have affairs and sext – nothing would change – except I wouldn’t care) And if time proves that theory wrong and we are not together you have someone lined up.

Blocking her – that was the easy way out. After your final conversation with her you “blocked her on all accounts and deleted the messages” – before I had a chance to read them, or even ask if I could see them. And now that the tables are turning and things surfacing you have nothing to provide proof on your end. However, if you pull them up during an argument that will validate you are still lying. (Reference: I deleted the texts) You allowed Pandora’s box to open and literally have sat back with the “not me” attitude.  You took the easy way out. You let her expose the affair, you let her text me the proof, you let her text your children, you let her attack me on social media platforms – maybe “let” is the wrong word, but allow seems too controlling. On more than one occasion I have asked you to get her under control. I also on more than one occasion said that she was not done – I know her type, hell I’ve been her type, and maybe I am her type (I’m here aren’t I?) You didn’t give her the opportunity to blame you, attack you, and berate you – so she came for me.

Everytime I try and forgive another weed pops up and I’m put into fight or flight mode alone – I’m familiar with alone. I spent 1.5 years alone.

I want to love you. I want to forgive. I want to forget. I want to spend my eternity with you.

⁑ DISCLAIMER ⁑
Remember: you are reading MY “perspective” of given events.  These writings are MY feelings; whether they are present tense – written in the moment, past tense – drafted during the day, or anticipated – futuristic.  All information provided is what I know from the information I have been given. As with any and every situation there are multiple sides to share the account. It is at the discretion of the reader to which side they favor.