NoJoMo 18

So. Twilight.

I’ve never been to the cinema to see one of the Twilight installments before, but I was invited last minute and thought, what the hell, this particular one should be HILARIOUS. And oh, it was.

I read the first book after watching the film and can honestly say it was one of the worst written things I have ever encountered. Dedicating pages to Edward’s beauty is not a good writing style. And trust me, it definitely becomes a style. Anyway, after giving up on that drivel, I just read Wikipedia to fill in the rest of the plot. I came across the part where Bella gets pregnant with an evil vampire human hybrid, where the baby snaps her spine as she gives birth because it is ‘evil’ and where Jacob then decides the baby is his soulmate minutes after it’s born.

When I read this I thought "I have GOT to see how they deal with THAT in the movie!" 

And deal with it they did.

It was almost like a scene out of True Blood, the gore, blood and bits of stuff splattered all over Edward was wonderfully disgusting and the bit where her spine snaps? EW! What was a bit weird was the baby comes out looking pretty normal and well behaved. I was looking forward to some deformed mess of evil and inhumanity but I was disappointed on that front. 

Then all of a sudden, the baby turns into a CGI baby so it can have evil glowing eyes. Jacobs eyes lock with the baby’s and they have an intense moment where he sees what the baby will look like when she grows up and he decides she is totally hot and "imprints" on the baby. That’s not as graphic as it sounds, I think it just means he is now the baby’s soulmate. not much better, but still. We all hope he’ll wait till she’s 18.

Obviously, the ending was the best part of the movie. The rest was just sort of Edward and Bella frolicking around on their honeymoon. Urgh, the sex scene was just embarrassing. It was shot so delicately you don’t really think they’re having sex, just sort of fidgeting and breathing near each other. But then you see Edwards hands BREAKING THE BED. Their love is so passionate and he is such a badass vampire that they destroy the whole room having sex. Ewwwwww. Then Edwards decides never to sleep with her again ’cause she has a couple of really small bruises on her shoulder, and he can’t bear harming her again! Ohhh!

So, I enjoyed the movie, but not the way everyone else did. I found that when the movie was trying to be funny, everyone in the cinema would give a little chuckle and I’d be sat there dead pan, and whenever I did find something funny, I was the only one laughing. Generally it was when someone was being very serious or very upset, I’d just let out a manical cackle of approval.

Hey, I may not be the target audience but at least I enjoyed it… in my own way?

P.S. There’s a really stupid bit where a bunch of wolves talk to each other psychically about wolf politics. LOL.