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UUUUUGGGHHHHH bloody hell I just burst into tears in front of my boss at work. UGHHHH TODAY SUCKS.

She was being all bossy and telling me off because last week she was away and I mostly worked on the mens collection rather than the womens, so i didn’t have LOADS of work to show her and she was getting all angry and I was flustered because every day it feels like a MILLION PEOPLE give me jobs. I have S (the design manager) just sort of jumping in here and there being like "Are you busy? Do you mind doing this annoying job I really don’t wanna do?" and I kind of feel I have to say yes because he’s the boss of all of design. Then there’s the mens designer, D, who is absolutely awesome to design with, we really generate cool ideas off each other and work well, but he is the most scatter brained person on the planet and changes his mind without telling me or discards hoardes of work we’ve done because he wants to go in a different direction…. Ach! And then obviously J, who gets annoyed when I do anything other than womens work, even though she revealed today that she was the one that changed my job position so I would have to do both mens and womens, not just womens.

ANYWAY. She was having a go and doing way too much eye contact and acting like I’d lazed around all last week and I just felt like absolute shit for not pleasing everyone. I KNOW you can’t please everyone but I really do my best to try and I don’t like people to think I’m snowed under or stressed, I want people to think I’m handling everything really well and that i’m flexible and efficient. 

So yeah, she’s going on like this and I can feel my face going red, and I’m trying not to cry but then she says "Don’t get upset…" and I burst into tears and had that stupid embarrassing crying voice and we sit in an open office so everyone could hear and I was trying so hard to get my voice under control. Then J looked kind of guilty and changed her tone of voice and tried to be upbeat and nice about things. And I just felt so unprofessional and wussy and pathetic, ah fuck I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

I’M SUCH A PATHETIC MESS SOMETIMES.

Yep, today sucks. And then J is saying she’ll get together with D and S and they’ll discuss my time etc etc, but that just embarrasses me further, as I feel like I should be able to manage my time and that I should be capable of giving equal effort to each department. And I don’t like it when people tell me how to manage my time. But there’s lots of little factors that mess everything up, namely D being scatterbrained…. I end up doing a lot of work for him thats irrelevant or not needed. I know they just want me to do my best and to support me etc etc but I just want to be one of those people that’s effortlessly perfect and never needs any help ever. YES, I know that’s unrealistic. But it’s always been me, I remember every school year, my teachers would put on my report "She just needs to keep up the great work, and don’t be afraid to ASK FOR HELP!!!" I hate asking for help. I like to be as self reliant as possible. 

Crying at work is stupid and wahwahwah I would like to go cry some more now wahwahwahwahwahwahwahwahhhh.

sob.

p.s. I keep getting new notes with advice about my friends and my boyfriend situation, and you’re all saying similar and sensible things that make sense and didn’t occur to me, so thanks guys. You’re all very wise and friendly, which are like, the best things to be. xxx