Trying to be happy.

Using someone’s computer to write an entry.
I need this, I think…

I’ve not really been able to write…to express my feelings.
To get all of this crap out of my head.
I think I’m losing it.
Seriously…

I’m slightly depressed.
Not entirely…because I’m still thankful for the things I do have. A wonderful boyfriend, a decent – and I use that word losely – job, and an amazing little boy. But…not having my own house. Living with someone because I have nowhere else to go…this fucking sucks.
I’m grateful that I have them to help me, but I feel like a big failure. Here I go again…making decisions that ultimately screw up my life. *Sigh* I’m over exagerrating, but whatever.

I cried today when I left Matt’s. I felt patetic. I guess all the stress is getting to me…and saying bye to him just pushed me over the edge this weekend.

There’s a possibility I may have a place to go soon. A friend of mine lives on her own and has two spare rooms. She’s been contemplating getting a roommate for a while, but is afraid of getting some crazy physco in there. So, in an effort to help her finacially and put myself in a position to be able to save money and work on clearing some of my debt I may move in with her. Going to go talk to her tomorrow and try to hash out the details and see if it’s something she really wants to do. I still want my own place again, but baby steps.

My mind is bouncing around a lot tonight. So much I want to write about, forgive me if I keep going back to talking about Matt…
I think he’s afraid. This whole falling in love thing is new for him. He didn’t expect to really even like me, let alone fall for me. Especially, this fast. He looked at me today when I was getting ready to leave and told me he loved me. I said it back and he whispered, “I hope so, you mean the world to me.” Things are great on that front. I love him more and more each day. The more things I learn about him, the more I can’t help but think that I lucked out. I finally found that perfect guy. And I want to sit here and complain about losing my house…sure, life isn’t perfect. It rarely is, but I have so many other things to be grateful for. I guess I’m my own worst critic sometimes.

I want to go back to school…
Maybe this is the time.
If I move in with Darlene my bills will be significantly less than when I was on my own. It will give me a chance to pay off my credit card debt. Thinking about looking into night classes at the college. *shrugs* We’ll see.

Samuel called his father a dickhead the other night…
I go to pick him up and he looks at his dad and goes, “Bye dick head.”
Eek! Mixed emotions on that one.
I had to stop myself from laughing and reprimand him for the language, but inside I was thinking how appropriate. Because, he truly is a dick head. He’s been a total douche to me lately. Brian, my boss, has been too. This situation with my house has him riding my ass and some how he views it as his problem. I suppose since I’m living with someone else I’m somehow less dependable? I don’t know. What I do know is he threatened my job. Blatantly, and I will not put up with that. We have a sales rally for the end of the fiscal year next Thursday up in Fayeteville. Scott, Brian’s boss, will be there and I will be having words with him. I may be young, and I may look like someone easily scared, but I’m really not.

Thursday, Theresa had a small breakdown at work. She lost her husband a year ago and someone came in and brought him up. She’s usually very good at keeping her emotions in check, but I guess it caught her so off gaurd she lost it for a minute. We ended up having a talk about our pasts. How we’re both drop outs and had hard pasts. But how we use that as our driving force to make things better. I hate hearing that because someone’s childhood was fucked up it caused them to fail. Made them use drugs and blah, blah, blah. Fuck that. It’s not an excuse. I’ve been through a lot…god knows I have, but it’s not a reason to just quit. I want a better life and I want to be happy. I’m not going to allow the fact that I had a shitty life ruin my future. We talked about putting up a front and how most people think we lead perfect lives just because we don’t air our business for the world to see. If I choose to share with you my life, so be it, but don’t just assume by looking at me that things are perfect. Usually, those that seem to have the least problems end up having the most.

I wish John would back off. He’s irritating me. Trying to make me feel bad for being happy. Screw you. I don’t care anymore. None. Nada. Over you. I’m over the bullshit. I’m over you trying to back me into a corner to do what you want me to. I’m using what’s going on right now to take my life back. I’m no longer going to feel sorry because of whatever you’re going through. So what you don’t have a girlfriend. Omg, the world is going to end bc your love life sucks. DON’T CARE ANYMORE. Stop trying to make me look like the bad person here.

Theresa said she had a bad image of me when she first met me due to John. Because he did nothing but talk bad about me. How I was a cheater and I was a horrible person. She knows now that I’m not…and has told me she’s happy I have Matt because I deserve to be happy, but it still sucks that he is trying to taint my name. Like I said, he’s a dick head.

Meh.
I don’t want to write anymore.
I got some of the shit out I wanted to, but I’m just tired.
Going to go lie down now.

Laters.