& now I wanna chase forever down with you around**

It’s 9:48am and I’m sitting at my computer, missing Matt and eating left over enchiladas for breakfast.

He left about 25 minutes ago and I miss him already. I go all week without seeing him…the times I get to spend with him just never seem long enough.

This week has been crazy. From one extreme to the next. I’ve gone through every emotion possible including a near mental breakdown and realizing I’m in love with Matt.

 

I guess I’ll just go in order of occurrence so I don’t skip anything…I have a lot to get out and if I don’t I may just lose it.

First is John. It’s really sad when the possibility of being evicted is not the thing causing me the most stress. I try my best to never use the word hate…I truly do, but this man…I hate him with every fiber of my being. HATE him.
He does everything in his power to either make me look like a bad person or at least feel like one.
Thursday, I had to work with him…within an hour of work he’s already:
– Cursed at me in front of customers
– Called me a bad mother
– Told me he didn’t care if I lost my house and was on the streets
– And made me cry.
He flips off the handle because of me going to Greensboro…all of a sudden he can’t watch Sam and I’m a bad mom because I can’t take him with me. One weekend. All I’m asking for is ONE fucking weekend. He ends up calming down later on and being nicey nicey, but the damage is already done. I really cannot handle going through this emotional mind fuck every time he gets his panties in a twist.
Friday, I don’t have to be at work until 10am. I come in and within 5 minutes Theresa pulls me aside and tells me to go outside with her while she smokes. John is on the register and I go outside with her. Come to find out, he’s having conversations with one of the vendors about me. Telling him about me going to Greensboro with Matt and how I’m a horrible mother and the usual bullshit he likes to say to make himself feel better about his sucktastic life. That’s incredibly inappropriate. First of all, you’re at work…this should NOT be something you are talking about. Secondly, it’s NO ONE’S fucking business! Later on a former employee, whom I fired within a month of being manager, came in the store. He’s friends with John and he had been in earlier that day and John had gone outside to talk to him for a few minutes. He’s getting ready to leave the store and says to me, "Tell your boyfriend I said Hi." Um, What? "You’re boyfriend…I know him…used to wait on him every morning." Really, John? How many more people do you have to involve in my personal life? Please, get a mother fucking hobby and stop worrying so much about me. Stop focusing SO MUCH on how I’m happy without you and maybe, just maybe you’ll be able to get your life together and actually enjoy it for a change. Stop thinking about what you don’t have and make the best of it!
Theresa, has already told me she’s going to call corporate and pretend she’s a customer. She said she’s going to tell them she heard him cursing at me and that’s he was being very disrespectful. She hates how he treats me at work. I feel like I can’t do anything about it though. He holds anything and everything he can over my head. He’s got two things over me right now…One is he knows I have no one to watch Sam during the week and he says if he’s fired or transferred he’ll refuse to watch him. Really? This is YOUR SON you’re using as leverage over me, but I’m the bad parent? The other thing is he’s my only assistant. If he’s not there I’m pretty much screwed. I have to start training Mandy, but my boss keeps dicking around on that subject. I’m so close to saying fuck it and telling my boss what’s going on. Tell him I need her trained and I need him out of my fucking store. Because, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I also have started trying to think of a different way to deal with the Sam situation. The arrangement we have is not working because he does nothing but bitch. I think it would be better if we did a week on, week off type of deal. I week him Monday through Sunday, then he keeps him Monday through Sunday. We each have two weekends a month with him and it makes it much more equal. Problem is I have to find someone to watch him while I’m at work during the weeks I have him. I’ve checked into daycare and I really just can’t afford that. $131 a week? Yeah, no. Even for only two weeks a month, that’s still not something I could pull off right now. I texted Jaime to see if she knows anyone who babysits during the week. She knows a lot more people around here than I do.

Eviction. Meh. Called the courthouse and talked to someone about my situation. I was told since I haven’t been formally evicted, given the notice and such, there was no information she could really give me. I did ask about what Tammie told me about the rental agency being able to retract the eviction if they wanted and the lady told me yes, they could. So, after talking to her I called Margaret Rudd again to talk to the head of the rentals. I really don’t think this woman likes me one bit. I called her and asked if there was anything I could do for them to stop the eviction process. I asked if it was solely because I was late or if it had to do with the state of the property, my grass is not mowed and the walls in the house are COVERED in marker/crayon/etc from my sister’s children. She hesitated and brought up the walls and I explained to her about my sister living with me for a few months and how I’ve been trying to get things situated and cleaned up. I told her I work 50-60 hours a week, I’m a single mom and I really just have little money and time to get these things taken care of. If told if they wanted I would sign something saying I would get the property in proper condition within whatever time frame they wanted to allot me if I could just stay. She sighed and gave me the whole, "Well I can talk to my manager, but we usually don’t stop evictions once they have started. I can get back to you, but it won’t be until next week." Bitch. Give me a break here! You aren’t going to find anyone to rent this damn house in the next 6 months anyways, the season is ending. Just take my fucking money and let me stay! Meh. I’m so annoyed by this…but again…sadly John is causing me more mental anguish.

Matt. Oh, boy…. I’m a coward. I can’t say it. I can’t bring myself to be the first one to utter, "I love you." I tried…I tried so hard last night to get up the courage to say it, but I can’t. Last night, Sam asked Matt, "You like my mommy?" Matt responded, "Mmm…I love your mommy." Gah! He hasn’t actually said I love you, though. Again, I’m a cowar

d. For whatever reason I still feel like it’s too soon, maybe I’m just afraid of rushing this too much. Although, I’m sure we’re already both head over heels for each other.
I’m excited for next weekend. Three days with just me and him. Well, and a convention full of half nekked people showing off tattoos and piercings, but you know what I mean. No three year old running around that I have to worry about. I guess his mom isn’t going to be going? I’m not entirely sure. I guess his step dad just had some sort of surgery so I’m assuming they’re just not up for it. I was looking forward to meeting her, scared shitless yes, but I still wanted to meet her. lol.

****TMI Warning****
Can I please just say, the sex is AMAZING!! Hahaha….I never enjoyed sex with John. It was…bland. Very boring and just…lack luster. It was more of a chore. I was always ready for it to just be over, and I usually didn’t have to wait very long. John was not into foreplay, he didn’t like kissing and it was pretty much all about him getting his. Matt on the other hand, he loves kissing as do I. He pays way more attention to my needs than his own. And he has lasting power, lmao. Seriously…with John our "sessions" would be MAYBE 30 minutes if I could get him to kiss and fool around first. With Matt it’s closer to two hours and a good half of that is just sex. I still haven’t orgasmed during sex, but with Matt it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten. Sadly, Jonathan was even more boring than John. I gave up half way through sex with Jonathan it was that bad. Hahaha. I got a little dominant with Matt last night, normally it’s all him…but I guess I wasn’t feeling the whole being submissive thing last night. He seemed to enjoy it extremely. Lol. Anyhow…enough about that. lol.
****End TMI****

Now onto a completely different topic…dyed my hair red a few days ago. I love it. =)

 

Ok, I think this entry is long enough…
I believe I’ve gotten out all I wanted to say…
*Shrugs*
Time to go finish yard work, which I’ve been doing every day this week. Wooo….

 

Laters!

 

 

 

Was texting Matt earlier…

Matt: Soooooo im 2 hours away now. That was on your mind?
Me: Hahaha. Don’t know what you’re talking about.
Matt: Liar.
Me: I was just thinking about how lucky I am that I found you. And how when we’re together everything else just melts away. Being with you just geels so right. What I was afraid to say though is I hope you’re prepared for the fact that I’m falling in love with you…
Matt: Am I prepared for you fallin for me? Yea that’s something I can handle. Someone wasn’t paying attention close enough when I first got there.
Me: Lol Not paying attention to you? Yeah, right.
Matt: Then you heard me slip.
Me: I did. Still doesn’t mean I was brave enough to tell you what was on my mind last night.
Matt: Lol I see that now.
Me: Told you I was a coward.
Matt: Lol We will break you of that at least around me.
Me: Lol. Good luck.
Matt: Had nothing but good luck when it involves you. So the odds are in my favor.
Me: I’ll try my best not to freeze up when talking to you. No promises though, lol.
Matt: I know you will beautiful. Just gotta get used to someone that would discuss something he don’t like rather than fly off the bars.
Me: Yeah, pretty much.

So…he pretty much admitted to being in love with me. lol. Saw him for a bit before he went to hang out with Chris after this conversation. I’m still a chicken and can’t tell him I love him.
Maybe if he comes by after hanging with Chris I’ll muster up the courage. *Shrugs* We shall see.
 

 

 

 

 

 

All I can think about is
You and me driving with a Saves the Day record on
We were singing til our voices were gone
And I was falling hard, you were barely hanging on
And now I wanna chase forever down, with you around