It kills me to breathe you in.
Meh.
I’m feeling a little sad tonight.
Maybe sad isn’t the word…just…a little blah? lol. That’s great Ash, very descriptive.
*Shrugs*
Thinking about Matt.
Things are going really good with us, but I’m just a little concerned about the distance.
Did I mention he moved already?
While I was on vacation last weekend he moved all his shit up to the house he just bought, two hours away…
I’m wondering when we’ll have time to see each other.
During the week is out because he works way too late and I work way too much. So no time during the week.
Weekends, yeah…but he also has friends and family to spend time with.
Last night was great.
He got here soon after I got home and we spent the entire night together. Missed the hell out of that man.
This morning he went with me to drop off the rental car and gave me a ride back home.
Stayed for a little bit then had to head back home to get some things done. Yard work and grocery shopping and the like.
Tonight he’s going out with Chris. I don’t have a problem with that, I go out with friends and I’m not one to make a guy change their life for me. He may come over tonight afterwards, but that won’t be until probably 2am unless they get bored and leave the bar early.
Tomorrow, I doubt that I’ll see him. He has family in town that leaves Tuesday.
So, out of the three days I could get to see him I most likely will only see him once.
Sucks since I haven’t seen him in a week, which for whatever reason feels much, much longer.
Guess I just really miss him so I’m just over analyzing things a bit tonight.
Had a noter ask how he is with Sam. He’s great with him. =)
I haven’t really had him around Sam much, because I guess I’m a little gun shy.
With everything I’ve gone through with guys in the last couple of months I like to know they’re going to be around awhile before I really introduce them into my son’s life. Well, I do this on a normal basis, but for some reason I’ve been a little more adamant about it with Matt. I have to think about it from a different perspective though…If I get attached to him (even more so than I am) and he ends up bailing…I’m not the only one getting hurt. My kid is too. So, I guess I just want to make sure he’s going to be around for more than a month or two. And I do…I can see this lasting. Even though I’m afraid I’ll never see him, I can see this being something that lasts a long time. He’s already told me he’s crazy about me. Said he doesn’t want anyone else, only me. And I’m quickly getting attached to him as well.
If you can actually believe it I felt nothing for Ralph when we saw each other.
NOTHING.
It was a tad awkward, but I really just wasn’t interested.
I know, the boy is sexy as hell…but I know him too well.
I know he runs from anything resembling a relationship no matter how strong the feelings are.
He plays every thing off and I just don’t see him being able to get over his fear of commitment for me.
He’s too good at thinking he’s better off alone.
And I saw all that when I came face to face with him.
He, rather than talking to me, practically ignored my existence.
I had the guy I’ve been basically in love with for 9 years standing in front of me and all I could think about was Matt.
And I’ve been thinking about it for awhile…
The moving thing…
Next year…Where do I see myself?
Is it back in FL with family and old friends…
Or do I stay here?
Where I’m starting to build a life for myself.
I’m starting to think here is the best.
I know I love FL…and I miss it, but no matter how far I am from my sister she tries to drag me down with her drama.
And if I were in FL she would be right there constantly wanting me to help her.
Even now I’m 600 miles away and she calls to ask me for money.
It’s pretty much the only contact I have with her. I tell her no every time.
I’m not your personally little checking account.
I realized this when I went down to visit.
My sister…will never change.
She will always make excuses as to why her life is the way it is.
She will always use others, she will never break out on her own and make something of herself.
It’s always the fault of someone else. She is ALWAYS the victim in situations.
She tells people I’m horrible and I kicked her out for no reason. That I never took care of my kid.
I made her do everything.
She can tell them what she wants to make herself feel better, but I want no part of it.
I have such little family left though I don’t want to push her out of my life…but I can’t deal with it.
So, in order to avoid putting myself in a position where I may blow up on her I think it’s best I stay here.
Sam.
I know I don’t mention him alot…
Mainly because a lot of the things I need to write about are work or relationship orientated.
It’s usually things that plague my brain and that I need to get out before I go insane.
He’s doing good though.
Love that little punk.
He’s now potty trained. It was a battle because I guess he just wasn’t ready for it.
Never pushed it on him, just tried to let him do it at his own pace.
Over the week I was in FL it finally all just clicked for him.
On the way back he refused to pee in his pull up, lol.
I’m driving through fucking corn fields, no where to pull off so I tell him to just pee in his diaper…
"No. I don’t want to pee in diaper. I want to pee in toilet!"
Ok then! lol.
He held it and waited until I found a bathroom for him to use.
He drove me frickin nuts though in the car. That boy never shuts up.
He can talk all day long.
He had is cousins to talk to in FL and since then he’s gotten worse.
I truly cannot get that boy to leave me alone for 5 minutes. lol.
Gotta love ’em though.
Anywho…
I think I’m done writing about random nonsense.
Think I’m going to watch some tv. Kill time before Sam goes to bed.
Then shower and I guess I’m going to try to stay up to see Matt.
Laters.
LOVE this song.
(Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It’s that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart
to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I’ll never have
I’ll never have… I’ll never…
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It’s that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you… I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Say you would do the same…
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I’m giving myself to Ashes.)