If I stay busy I won’t be sad, right?

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken the time to sit down and process my thoughts and feelings through my diary, but my therapist recommended I take some time to do that as I approach the anniversary of losing Sam so here I am…

1/31/24 will mark 3 years of life without my son.  I spend a lot of time trying not to focus on that fact, but it doesn’t make the days any easier. I mostly spend my days numb to the world. If I stay busy I won’t be sad, right? So I work a full time job, I go to school, I recently picked up roller derby again, I power-lift, I go for daily walks, I read, I listen to podcasts, I mindlessly scroll tiktok. I do anything and everything to stay busy, to keep my brain occupied. If I stop for even a moment the grief presses in and fills my every thought. Not that I ever, for a single moment forget he’s no longer here. I carry Sam’s memory with me everywhere, sometimes I can distract myself for a little while, but honestly that has gotten harder to do as time passes.

I have an appointment in a few weeks to seek help for my depression and anxiety, I think raw-dogging my grief is no longer working and maybe medication is the route I need to go now. I go on daily walks and it helps the anxiety, but the depression is just getting worse. Even skating doesn’t bring me the joy it used to. I got a promotion at work a while ago, that I worked towards for years, but it brings me no fulfillment, no purpose.

It’s been almost 3 years and I still haven’t made it into his room. It’s at the top of the stairs so I have to see it everyday, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to open that door and step inside. I guess if I just leave it closed I can convince myself that he’s in there playing. That he’s reading a book or playing on his switch. I can pretend he’ll be right down to eat dinner or snuggle on the couch with me. I can pretend he’s off at school and he’ll be home in a few hours. I can pretend.

I picked up reading again after his death. Fantasy worlds are much preferred to the one I’m living that will never be the same again. Whoever said time heals all clearly never lost anything that actually mattered.

A lot has happened since I stopped updating this 2 years ago. Maybe I’ll get back into it and update you all on the things that have or haven’t happened. I know writing here helps me process, but also it’s so much easier to ignore everything. Ignoring things doesn’t help me heal, and only helps me to fall back into that state of numb dis-attachment. I’m working on it. I’m trying. I’m giving what I can.

they believe
the world just spins
and as time passes
our grief quiets down
and pain fades away.
but can’t they hear it?
this world is a record
that never stops spinning
and it is always singing
our person’s name
-sara rian