And I’m marching on to the beat I drum

So… OD is back?
Mixed feelings!!

I slowly faded from OD back in 2012 before it shut down. I was a little heart broken to know I had lost everything in it…but relieved to not go down that rabbit hole again reading the insanity that was my life. Alas, I was just told yesterday about OD’s rebirth and the fact that I could restore my old diary’s. Down the rabbit hole I went. So far this is the only one I have gotten access to that has any content (why was I constantly creating new accounts?)

The entries from this span from just before I left my crazy controlling ex that is the father of my only child until just after I moved in with the man who seemed to be my saving grace, perfect in all aspects and treated me like a queen. I guess without all of the daily drama I wasn’t feeling the need to vent so often, which is truly what this became…a place to vent.

Lately, I have been contemplating coming back to some form of online journaling or another…and then boom – here’s OD! Funny how that works.

I guess I will start with a short rundown of my life as it is today. (I say short but anyone who ever followed me before knows I have the tendency so go off on a tangent. Also I haven’t written in quite some time so who knows what is waiting to burst from my finger tips.)

I am now 30 years old. When I started on OD i was somewhere around 16? When I left I was 23.

I still deal with the crazy ex, John, because I have to, but the saving grace in this is that his crazy found someone new to latch onto and he moved 5 hours away. The crazy dialed down to a tolerable amount after that and honestly we do just fine now. We do not talk unless it is about Samuel.

Samuel. My heathen child I had out of wedlock with a bipolar mad man. He is 10 now….how?! Time flies…It has been a crazy ride with this one. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder.) This was a few years ago and we FINALLY have the right meds and everything seems to be going well. I have meetings scheduled with the school Thursday to get more permanent things set in place to hopefully help him with his schooling. He is very bright…and is a total odd ball like his mom, but he has issues concentrating and randomly has fits of anger. (Wonder where he got that from?)

Matt. Heyyyy who was wondering how that one would turn out? Anyone? Anyone?
So, we’re married…have been for a while. Our 4th wedding anniversary will be this September. We own a home together now, not the one we were in when we first moved in together. This one I picked and its gorgeous! Two stories, 2300 square feet, built in 1942 with original hardwood floors, and I’ve got my library.
We’ve been doing fantastic…we still do not ever argue. We’ve had a few irritated grumbles at one another but here we are 6 years later and things are still chugging along quite nicely. I never believed I would find my soulmate in him… the way my life was going at the time I honestly figured I would move to Florida, bomb the Ralph thing and end up alone and having screwed my life up, again. Guess I was wrong! (Thankfully!)

Small note about Ralph, once Matt proposed I was deleted from Ralph’s life. I was madly in love with this kid at one point, we grew up together and ended up confessing our feelings once I left John. Did the long distant thing for a bit and he got scared and called it off before things went any further. I have not spoken with him since. I think about him sometimes and wonder what would have happened had I thrown caution to the wind and just moved back to Florida with my tax money like I said I was going to. Honestly I don’t see how it ever would have worked, this kid was 23 still living with his parents that were helping put him through college. Ok small note not so small…moving on!

Work! *Insert eye roll here*
So, I still work for the same company. Oh boy..complacency is a goddamn killer. I am so stuck and I don’t even know how to get out. Money is decent, I work M-F, I make my own schedule, decent amount of vacation time, I could do it in my sleep. It literally drains my soul of any joy on a daily basis. Started working for this company when I was 19 and here I am almost 11 years later still working for them…Still just a store manager (this is my own choice, I don’t want more responsibility and the headache that goes along with it.)I dream about one day doing something different, but as I have no skill set for anything other than retail I guess I don’t have too many options.

I’ve gone over everyone else I believe so a little about myself (that isn’t work related.) I still LOVE to read, although I don’t make much time for it. I love to sing, but again it just falls to the wayside. My weight is something I try to avoid speaking about at all costs since I weight more now than I ever have and this includes while I was pregnant. BUT I am becoming more active and I am trying to make time to work out, it’s difficult though, I lead a very life. Husband, Work, Child….and did I mention Roller Derby? No? So the volunteer fire fighter thing never happened, but I did join a local roller derby team last year. I have been doing it for roughly a year and a half and had my very first bout just over a week ago. It’s something that has definitely breathed some much needed life and me time into existence.

I have been on the computer entirely too long reading and now typing out what we all knew would not be short and sweet like I said. My kid is losing his shit because I am not paying him enough attention and it’s time to start getting dinner ready.

I don’t know if I’ll keep this updated or not…I guess only time will tell.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me