wish me luck

was so excited for sleep last night because i have been training myself all day to ask the question "is this a dream?" every so often. then i look at a clock or a book and look back to see if its changed drastically.

laid in my bed around 12. prepared myself for a journey into an alternate reality. it never came. maybe i was pushing too hard. i will try again tonight.

woke up around 4somethingam. no dream. no lucidity. got up for a drink and bathroom and figured i would try the WBTB "wake back to bed" technique. but it was too late. i was too awake.

get up and realize that 5am is when the streets are bare. silent. the reflection in the sky is in transition from black to blue. it is like the setting on my camera for white balance "tungsten" i should look that word up.

-tungsten. aka wolfram
chemical element. hard, heavy, steel-grey to white transition metal.
highest melting point of all the non-alloyed metals.
the pure form used most notably in light bulb filaments, x-ray tubes.

decided to take a walk. the strawberry plant on my porch had drops of dew on the tips of it. reminded me of a crown. i could hear alarm clocks going off in the houses all around me. loud and unfriendly. saying "keep away; its morning and i wish it wasnt" pulling everyone out of their dreams and into a world that only mocks its images.

i met a cat along the way. black. just like my cat smokey. led me to the waters edge. i wasnt planning on going down to the water but i took it as a sign, asked myself if i was dreaming and checked my watch. not dreaming. but it felt like it.

the sun was poking through a cloud. high tide. swan and ducks were floating about together. a man was kayaking across the bay. a glass beer bottle bobbed in the water. the sun shining through revealing its empty insides.

there was a dead swan in the sand. head tucked under a wing. dew sparkling on its giant feathers. the awkward placement of its foot. i turned around and went the other way.

eventually stopped at a rock where evan and i used to sit and talk and hold hands. i felt so weird at first with him draping his arms and shoulders over me. but i did get used to it.

the tall grass prevented me from going further. i dont think it was grass per say..kind of like corn stalks. only greener with no corn. taller than me. i peeked inside and stared at the dew clinging to the tiny fibers on the plant. the sun shining through the dew makes shadows on the underside of the leaves.

home. my brother was in his before school routine. sit and scowl on the couch while slurping his cereal. if i had gotten home sooner i would have made him some french toast. tomorrow.

breakfast. i had twin chickens in my egg. for some reason i wasnt disgusted or surprised. before i ate i thanked the chickens for their lives. even though they were unfertilized and their sole purpose was to feed me. they wouldnt have been born anyway. but whatever. usually i thank the lettuce and whatever else i eat anyway.

sat at the kitchen table. which is rare. the sun was bursting through the window warming my seat.
i watched the steam rise off my breakfast. steam is a vapor. i never realized what it was. there are individual beads that rise up together. look closer.

i understand now how a ghost would work. it would be in the same form as steam. it doesnt go through things. it sort of breaks apart and slips into the tinytiny crevices of something. then pops back together on the other end.
that doesnt explain how a ghost could go through a solid wall. but maybe it doesnt do that. if it hits a solid wall with no spaces or holes it jumps back into another dimension. who knows.

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i went for an interview yesterday. to be one of those people at a booth in the middle of the mall. i would be selling crocs brand shoes. they are pretty neat.
i think it went well. but havent told anyone in case it doesnt work out. and i havent gotten overly excited about having a job just yet. because i still dont and need to keep looking.

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my room is too dark.