The memories ease the pain inside now I know why

I should be sleeping. Instead I was doing a little thing called late night reading. The weather is cool enough to let the windows open and my bedroom one is. I’ll hear random sounds.   Music being one of them. And it’s triggered a bout of sadness. Strange how music can trigger memories and emotions. Tonight I’m reminded of some twenty two or twenty three years ago. The bonfire days—the infinite summer when Weldon was still alive and I knew not a thing about emotional pain or depression. In just eight days it will be twenty years since he’s left this world behind. I still can’t believe he’s gone and that it’s been that long. Tonight those random bits of music reminded me of those bonfire nights, music playing late night in the woods and a fire crackling. It reminded of those nights when Weldon and I would hang out. It reminded me of all of those days and reminiscing about the life I had back then. Naïveté and innocence. Happiness and all the candy coated things in life.

And it sent me to cry some. Remembering those days, reminding me how the changes that happened  twenty years ago changed me forever—how it sent me to a downward spiral and the death of my innocence. I was only eighteen when my whole world came crashing down and the first real death I would encounter. It reminded me of those dark days, when color was a distant memory, but it also brought back a bittersweet happiness. It brought memories back and the soundtrack of those bonfire days. The smell of a fire, the hugs from Weldon and the four wheeler rides. The sounds of fading music from Metallica to Stevie Ray Vaughn and the sounds of nightlife only heard in the deep woods away from the busy town and city streets. Late night drives to no destination in a Seventy something tan and brown extended cab Dodge Ram truck and our own music soundtrack. Dr Pepper and Big Red. Late night Taco Bell. Goodbyes that just didn’t want to be had. Hugs that I’ll never physically feel again. A voice that I wish I could hear again. 

Strange how it’s been so long and memories never forgotten. Strange it is how something can trigger an entire flood of memories and make you reminisce, smile and cry all at the same time.