Swim in the calm tonight This art does drown

From Prosebox:

I’m often reminded of that world that enveloped me so long ago. A world of darkness. Black and white. Sometimes little things that people say affect me in ways that it shouldn’t. I take things wrong. While it may be someone pointing out my faults and telling me I’m better than this, I see it as they’re telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t try, and that you’re not supporting me. You see me as a failure. Truth be told I can’t take that. I often feel that way in my own. I always feel like I’m not, and I need to be told to try harder, that I’m good enough. Not told I’m stupid or whatever. It hurts. And it takes me back to a world that I don’t want to be in. It scares me. It frightens me more than you know. It brings out the worst feelings of self loathe and an old habit of cutting. It makes me want to take hidden pieces of glass and let the sharp edges cut into my skin, bleeding out the pain, but I don’t because I’ve come so far remaining cut free for several years. What no one realizes (unless you’re recovering self harmer) is that fight you’re doing hurts that much worse in addition to the pain you’re already feeling. It’s harder for you to deal with the hurt, and emotional torment and sickness that’s inside of you. You’re not only crying and feeling depressed, you’re fighting a battle within to keep from cutting or self harming. The world around you becomes a grey matter. Colors fade and you find yourself with an all too familiar darkness and it frightens you and you wonder if this time it takes you back. Grabs you by the arm and makes you it’s victim. It’s the darkness you’ve worked so hard to escape from, and to be there again is something you never want.

There’s something there inside you that keeps holding on, that keeps hope alive. Hope is what kept me going. I kept hoping everyday for a brighter day, gray skies to be blue and one day that happened. Andy Dufrense once quoted “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.” And it never does. It’s there always reminding you to hold on. To keep going on. Third Day has often reminded me of this. And with all of this I just make it through. Keep going on…and making myself stronger. There’s always a light shining bright.

There’s always that lament and self hate that fades. Have to weather the storm before the rainbow and sun comes out. I’ve been able to pull myself out a lot faster now when I feel the way I did yesterday. It doesn’t last as long. I just let myself feel and then deal and realize I’m a lot stronger than I realize. I realize that not a lot of people can say they’ve battled my battles and that they’re as strong as me. If there’s one thing I have it’s my strength to overcome these bouts of depression I get. That’s something I’m more proud of than anything. And maybe that’s where I need to find more strength. The strength to fight for myself and make things better for me. Not anyone else. But me. I overreact too and make things a hell of a lot worse than they are, but I have to remember that this isn’t as bad as it seems. I’ve got to keep on going. Find strength in all that I do. Life is a battle that we will always fight. Everyone’s got some sort of battle, just some of us have battles that are much harder. We are the strong ones, we are the fighters, and we are the ones that are there for those who will need is when others battles are far too much. We are the light. The light that understands. If there’s one thing I know is there’s a light shining always at the end of a tunnel, and that it can’t rain all the time.