I’m not okay I’m not okay Well, I’m not okay I’m not o-fucking-kay

There are things I don’t want to discuss here because the truth be told I don’t want to look back in a year from now and read how fucked this world is and what’s going on. Let’s just get straight to the point and know that I am not okay, and I haven’t been okay for some time now. I really never spent time writing in here once the site re-opened. And the thing is I really think I should have, but the things I would have written about seem petty—but the truth is nothing really is petty is it? In any matter previous entries somewhat told the story of what happened with my mother. I never really wrote that much into it, again for the sake of maybe I didn’t want to look back and read it, however I can’t avoid what happened and I did get to the point. What I really never wrote about was nearly two years later she’s come a long way, but she is not the same. I am forever grateful that I have her in my life. And I have learned a lot, but what I didn’t realize is I never really took into consideration of my own feelings and that in truth things were never going to be the same from then on. For a while I never let my feeling really be written and I never wrote when I needed it.

Now I am struggling with the worst anxiety I have ever had and I realized that I am not okay and that recent events have really brought out the worst anxiety I have ever had. One anxiety attack was severe and I have never had one that bad. I felt as if I were having a heart attack. I really don’t know what caused it and right now I wake up every morning not knowing if I am going to be okay or not okay. Yesterday was good until I got home, today started off bad, and then got better. I spent four hours at work fighting tears and sadness. I had to let it run its course. I used to live life around plans. I always had plans a year in advance or months. The some of those events have been postponed. Some are still in the okay. However lately I am finding myself living day by day, trying to get by without a freak out or a day spent crying. I am trying to get by with the will power to get up and get out of bed, start my day. I am trying to live with out knowing what the future holds for the first time in my planning. I am living without knowing what this year brings and for the first time since 2018 I have no control over my feelings and I have no control over how I feel each day. And that alone scares me. And it finally got me to realize that I am not okay and that I have not been for some time

It never helped matters to be emotionally abused as of late by my brother who takes care of my mother these past few months. I have had to stop mostly all contact with him because after what happened on Christmas I can never really forgive that. Christmas was turned upside down because we had a all out shouting match and it got bad. I—since then have not been the same. And lets not forget some of the online community taking to abuse me in this way as well. Coming to me for things that I had no control over, getting mad at me when I was not the problem. It has since stopped but the thing is this is also a big factor into where I am today. I am not happy, I am not super depressed as I was so many years ago but I am not in a good place and sometimes that darkness comes to haunt me and that’s it I fear its going to come back and haunt me. I have actually had suicidal thoughts lately but I have no desire to actually do this to myself. I have had thoughts again of cutting, and while I have not in a long time—I have since then lost track of how long its been since I have done so. I have since stopped not long after this site took a ten year hiatus.

All of this, and these anxiety attacks and these feelings I have finally come to realize that I can’t do this anymore, that I need help and that I need to finally fix myself. I admitted that I need to seek therapy and I booked my first ever appointment this Thursday. After one more good cry I felt better because I took a really big step and its one step closer to fixing myself and becoming a happier person… because truth be told I am not okay….