I’d tell you how it haunts me, (cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)

Sometimes it haunts me. Those dark feelings. And the demons I’ve battled for years. Sometimes the thoughts and feelings are just too much, but I’ve been fighting for so long that I know how to keep afloat when I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of despair. It’s not easy to fight but I’ll keep on fighting, because it’s what I do. It’s what I am, a fighter refusing to let the war inside me win. There are days when I get these bouts of depression and the sometimes they’ll come out of nowhere or are triggered by something so small. And there are days during those bouts when the desire to cut come into my mind. I’ve wanted to do it since last night. I’ve wanted to take a piece of glass or an Exacto blade and just cut, but I’ve not done that in years. I’ve actually been cut free for more than five years. I haven’t cut and I know that this will pass but the fight hurts and it’s so hard to keep going and trying when you’re also dealing with dark feelings that lurk about.

I’ve become a very strong person and I let the tides of the darkness ebb and flow. It goes away after the tide goes out. I keep telling myself that I will make it through. That I’ll win every battle fought. There were times when I didn’t think I’d see the light of day of the next day. There are days when I was sure the night would take me and embrace me and take me to the forever darkness. I wished it, I wanted it and had the darkness embraced me I would have welcomed it so. There were days when I had nothing left but a single string of hope that I held on to it as if it were life support keeping me alive. I refused to give up. The single string of hope I kept holding on to was the only thing that I had. There was no sun, only darkness and through it all I fought. There were raging storms, violent seas. I battled the rain and swam those seas and here I am today with a sense of strength that even I have no idea how I survived or made it through.

When I’m asked how I made it to the point of being where I am today with out help or medication, I have no idea. Maybe it was my inner strength and desire to want to live deep down. There had to be a part of me that wanted to live. I don’t know, but these bouts of depression.l really throw that darkness at me. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the light and hard to fight. Other days like today it’s there but it’s not trying to eat me alive. I thought about cutting today and last night. I didn’t and won’t and now as the day continues its fading and they’re gone.

I can’t say that I’m really depressed today it’s just a minor feeling. There are days though when it’s so hard hitting that it hurts not only from the depression but the fight of me not wanting to give in to cut. There are sometimes when I don’t want to live, that I hate my life and just wish I had the courage to off myself. But I wouldn’t ever do so and I’m too strong for such a selfish act. There are people in my life that I would never hurt that way. And there are things in my life that I love. There are things about me I love. Those are things that keep me from doing so. I’m not suicidal by any means, but sometimes I have those thoughts. It goes away and I keep on going. This darkness will not control me and it’s world will never embrace me again. I am light. I am strength. I am a fighter.