I don’t wanna be lonely, I just wanna be alone

There’s one thing I’ve learned about myself lately and that’s how damned introverted I am. I’ve always been sort of an introvert, but now I really see just how introverted I am. I don’t like hanging out with people. I don’t social gatherings, family events. I have to be extroverted and pretend that this is totally normal for me. Inside I’m screaming. I don’t even like hanging out much with anyone. I’m more social on social media than I am actual life and it’s because I don’t have to leave the comfort of my own home, and I can stay by myself. I can just socialize without socializing. I hate being lonely but I don’t want to be alone.

During Thanksgiving I was around so many people and it felt as if I were suffocating. All I wanted to do was to go home, get lost in a book and forget the world around me. It was too much, and it was something I felt bad for but I didn’t want to be around anyone. I know it’s family and all and some days I’m cool with that, but sometimes it overwhelms me. I don’t have a close set of friends. I have one friend that I’ll actually hang out with and can deal with doing so. She’s the only one I can be around other than my love and not feel like I want to run away. Parties and get togethers are always hard for me because it’s face to face socializing with more than one person. Being alone makes has always been something that’s never bothered me. I do things alone. Take long walks in the city and get lost among the sights. I’ve discovered so many things in those walks. I go to concerts alone and even in those I am never really alone because there’s always people, but again it’s not a complete face to face thing. When I see One Eyed Doll I can stand being around the OED family. They’re different, just like Lilian is. I can’t explain it.

Thursday I had to go with her to the hospital for some appointments for her to keep being on the kidney transplant list. I drove there with her because I know how to drive in the city and I needed to be there because she’s chosen me as one of her caregivers. I am the one who is part of driving her to these once a year things she has to do. She picked me, and it made me feel a little special. It also let me learn a lot about her, and get closer to her. It was something that I honestly didn’t mind. I didn’t feel overbeared by the fact I had to hang with someone. I did get my time alone as I waited for her appointments and such so it worked out well.

Maybe at times I have a bit of ambivert inside of me. But my introvert takes over. I love being alone as it allows me to just have my time alone but sometimes it can get very lonely. I hated sometimes when it was just me because my love was gone over seas, but at the same time I had all this me time. I had no one to bother me and if I wanted to binge watch something I could. If I wanted to write I could. That’s one of the hardest things for me to do when he is home. Write. If I don’t write enough it feels as if I am suffocating too. I find such pleasure in writing out something and then going back to proofread and edit it. It’s one of those things that make me feel alive. I haven’t actually done this since August. I hate it. And now that I think about it, I don’t like it. I’ve gotten depressed because of my lack of being able to do this. It’s just a very weird sort of thing. “I don’t wanna be lonely, I just wanna be alone.”