And it sure feels good, to finally feel the way I do.

There were no life changing events in my life—at least not anything that altered my life in a complete 180. In the past four years I have learned a lot about myself more or less, where I stand in terms of who I am. So who I am? A better person but I still suffer from depression, and bouts of it. While it is much more easier to cope, but the feelings still suck and I fear that I’ll never see the light again. The fear of those dark days returning scares me but I know that now I can get out of those bouts of darkness and depression. I am by no means the person I used to be, but I’m not the person I want to be. Living in depression for so long and having the worst of it really throws a person off. I am not where I want to be in life and I don’t really have the time I feel like to get there. I’ve made few mistakes in my life, and realized I screwed up. How do I fix that now? I think about that, but in terms of being a happier person I am very much so.

There is no denying that I suffer from bouts of depression, and in 2017 I had quite a lot in which Prosebox saw a few of those entries. 2017 was a hard year and not just in terms of depression but it was hard getting through things without the help of music. Music saves lives, and music contributed to a lot of getting me through in the years I had my first journal here. Silverchair was among the ones who saved me, the music spoke to me. Early 2017 I didn’t really have that to go to band or singer, it wasn’t until May that I discovered Keith Urban.  Something about listening to him calmed me, made me feel better. When I felt off or just needed to decompress or de-stress I would turn on his music and it was mostly when I took a drive home from work. Something about being in  car and music. It felt refreshing. His music got me through some of the worst bouts. I cried and I got better. I reached out and I talked. This was  my therapy. Music. Taking a few minutes to myself to just listen to music and let it all go. I talked about things if I needed to. I once reached out to the Crisis Text Line because it was far too much for me to bear, and that helped tremendously.

My depression comes and fades now like the ebb and flow of a tide. I ride the tide and go with the flow. I deal and I move on.  I am  a much stronger person now than I was four years ago. That’s been my biggest change.  My entire mental health has improved  because I take time to deal with my depression and learn how to get out of it. I feel proud of myself for everything I have been through and that I get out of.  Twenty years of depression  and at least seven of it was the worst parts of my life and somehow I came out on the other side, I fought the darkness and emerged in a new light. I’m here today when in 1998 I could have cared less if I lived or died. I thought of killing myself but I’m glad I never made it that far and glad I never really wanted to.

With my being in a better place and learning how to really cope with the depression that will always be a part of me I can say one thing, I am in better place than I was four years ago and in a very much better place than I was when I first began my diary here. While this was not the direction I wanted to go with this, as there is still much to be caught up on and still much to be said, I feel this will be just enough for now. If I sat here and wrote all of what I wanted to the entries would never end. More to come. It sure feels good to be back.

“There’s a new wind blowin’ like I’ve never known.
I’m breathin’ deeper than I’ve ever done.
And it sure feels good, to finally feel the way I do.” —Keith Urban