I want you to go away, but please stay

I’m torn. Lex told me the other week that he thought he should just dissapear…. I thought that sounded like a good idea. And was enjoying the fact that I wasn’t getting the random text messages at the most awkward of times.

But he came back last night… And I responded to his message in a friendly fashion. “How are you? I’ve got a week off next week. Looking forward to the break. What am I doing? Watching BB right now”

“Thinking about you again. You need a break? You can always have a break in my spare room”

I desperately want to keep this man in my life because his friendship means so much to me… But I don’t know if I can really deal with these messages. They put thoughts into my head that I don’t really want to be thinking. Those things are over now. I have a new life. Its time to move on. I have.. Why can’t he?

I hate the way that this probably makes Russell feel. Its not fair on him. It makes me feel like shit. I obviously can’t have the best of both worlds… It only means that he must go away and stay away… But why does that hurt like hell?