Coping
I thought I would update since I have again neglected OD. I am doing better. I still have moments when I think I cannot bear to get out of bed and days I am doing great and a tiny thing happens that reminds me of my sister and I am taken aback with grief. It is difficult but I am recovering. Even a month ago I did not think I would be able to say that. I will never get over losing my sister so tragically but I realize she was incredibly miserable.
The pregnancy of my niece is helping both me and my family heal. I do not condone teenage pregnancy but this has done two positive things. 1. It gave my niece the incentive she needed after the past 4 years of hell to stop drinking, taking drugs, stealing, and just living a life on a path to nowhere. Besides turning her health around, she has applied herself at school and has received a full scholarship for her first year of college, including tuition, books, and daycare. For a girl that one year ago was facing juvenile detention until age 18, she has made wonderful changes. 2. Our family loves babies and the prospect of the joy of a newborn baby joining our lives within the next few weeks is helping us all have something else to focus on. My mother and I have both done some extreme over-shopping, but it has gotten us out of our beds and out of our houses and out into life. She is most definitely having a boy (I saw the man part on the 3D ultrasound and there cannot be any way that could possibly be a girl part engorged) and we have not had a boy in our family since my brother was born 40 years ago so we are incredibly happy about that.
I was very angry for a few months because my sister’s husband started dating less than 2 months after she died. However, the woman has finally realized he is an alcoholic and is neither working nor taking care of his pregnant daughter so he is again single and may have to actually face reality and grieve.
Yeah, on that point I am a little bitter. Instead of stepping up and being the adult he looked to his children to support him and now everyone in the family (his parents and children) have pretty much written him off. If he gets his stuff together, I will be glad. I know this sounds callous but I have resentment that he did nothing to help my sister when he knew she was not well. I know he was not well either but I just have no pity for him. Maybe someday I will, but for now I only hope he gets it together so his children have at least one parent. But if they don’t, they have a freaking awesome aunt and a caring albeit a bit overbearing grandma.
My job is incredibly busy. I am truly grateful that my days go by so fast that I do not have time to think a lot and dwell on the past and regrets. The weeks fly by and now it is almost time for the baby to come. If my family thought I spoiled my nieces they will see what spoiling is when my great nephew is born.
Currently, the only time that is truly difficult, because I do not have control of it, is the night. I dream about my sister almost every night now. Sometimes she is a child and sometimes a teenager and sometimes an adult. Sometimes I can talk to her and sometimes she is behind a glass. In one dream I got to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated having her as a sister and could see she knew how much I loved her. Even though I have never had an angry thought when awake, I had one dream where I screamed at her at the top of my lungs for thinking we did not care enough to be fractured by her loss. I said everything that apparently my subconscious has suppressed. Since that dream I have felt more peace. Apparently I needed to vent and that was what it took.
Oh my, I almost forgot about Calvin. Due to the death of my sister, my apartment let me get a pet with a doctor’s note. Calvin is a 7 month old male chinchilla. He is a lively one and we are bonding well. I know his main goal is to escape and live in my fireplace, but I know that deep down he just pretends he is only tolerating me. 😉
I look forward to catching up on everyone;s diaries and seeing how everyone is doing. Thank you all for your kind words and support.