FMT

I just bought my flight tickets. Now it’s time to refresh my spirit by writing about something anal.

I’ve been getting excited about recent fecal transplant news. Fecal transplants have cured Crohn’s disease as well as C. difficile infections (caused by antibiotic useage). The concept of transferring healthy fecal matter between people runs parallel with the concept of whole foods: Anything purified or processed is not good for you. How can any pill restore the flora in our digestive system as well as a complete set of fresh, flourishing flora from a healthy individual?

This subject is also a perfect example to show how our medical system can destroy a cure that is too cheap.

[Well, something about coffee enemas got me excited, too. Maybe I’m just too anal. Maybe everyone else is not anal enough. Why do you think there such a mystery surrounding the seventh chakra? But I digress.]

“The procedure is technically called fecal microbiota therapy (FMT). FMT is not new. The first successful use was reported in 1958, with a transplant done by enema. In the U.S., the first case of FMT done by colonoscopy was reported in 2000.”

Oh, Sheeeesh! It only took us 50 years, and we immediately turned to colonoscopy. Most fecal translants are being done in Australia right now. By all means, let’s make this procedure involve colonoscopy, which requires a ton of associated costs and technical equipment. Fecal transplant by enema can be done at home with a turkey baster. Sounds like fun???

There’s a complete set of growing organisms in the mouth, too. Assuming that the poisonous substance flouride has turned some mouths into a sterile environment ripe for oral problems, would a study comparing levels of French kissing to oral illnesses shed some light on where the sun never shines? Do lesbians have shorter yeast infections? But I digress again.

“For the FMT, the main charge is the cost of the colonoscopy, which is often covered or partially covered by insurance. Colonoscopy can cost several hundred dollars or more. Among possible complications are tearing of the colon.”

What does insurance have to do with the price of pork in Poland? Are doctors assuming that organisms can’t swim around in our ass? Shit. Toxic gases transverse the entire digestive tract in five minutes, but that’s another belief of mine. Would it be too humiliating for a colon tearing doctor to use a turkey baster? Think about this when you baste your turkey this Thanksgiving. You can do it.

With all my griping aside, let’s take the super optimistic perspective and pretend that “whole” transplants are really the curall for most illnesses. After all, most modern illnesses are related to the medicines and foods we consume… ORALLY. Our medical system has pushed us in this direction. The organisms in our digestive tract are our first line of defense against poisons.

Let’s view the organisms in our digestive system in the same way we view the earth. How many species of organisms would die out if we coated the earth in a layer of Tylenol? A mist of antibiotics? A cloud of Diet Pepsi? Remember that our definition of specie is extremely rigid compared to how life really evolves.

So, instead of a six month checkup, everyone would get a six month fecal replant. Every time we get the runs, it would be prudent to replant. This could become so common that we would all be doing it at home. Grocery stores would stock fecal material next to the milk. It could come in different varieties, like “Drunk Dung Dunk”, “Fecal for Fornicators”, “Barbie Butt”, or “Antibiotic Ass”.

It’s whatever is the easiest to believe.

When is it time to let go of an old system that can’t change fast enough?

In conclusion, I would like to nominate/volunteer my sister as a prime fecal donor. She’s been a vegetarian for decades, has hardly ever used any drugs, and has turds as crisp and firm as a healthy two year old (her floaters wouldn’t flush down my toilet during a past visit). I am so envious… but I have my memories.

Has anyone read this far?