For Tina, “Atone”.

Hey all ya beautiful mates all over!

The title of this entry reads “Atone”, and it has so much meaning. One thing I have learned out of this strife filled life of mine, is that reconciliation can bring more joy when it comes from the heart. However, how many chances does a person deserve before they milk all the affection another can give. It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s how you say it and how you deliver the blow.

It would be very safe to say that we all, all of us on this little box, have formed friendships with other people far, far away from our own little lands. It’s the life that we all lead now, kind of like a glorified pen pal situation; however the “intimacy” is far more experienced through nothing more than “virtual’ contact.

We would never dream of taking out our frustrations on a pen pal, shit we only hear from them twice a month and we want the good times to be heard, but when an online friendship reaches the point of phone conversations everyday, the only frustrating thing missing is actually meeting the person. When we argue with a loved one, that person is here in your face, and you HAVE to sort out the problem at hand simply because they live in your personal space. But when you have, or rather taken out your frustrations, on an online mate, you find the downside to be far more devastating and harder to resolve. All we really have on here are the words we write on the screen, and I think we all know, the written word is a powerful weapon, or a soothing romantic device.

Going back some time now, infact I am talking about a few years, I had a very destructive relationship here at home with a young woman. Feeling extremely downhearted, empty and downtrodden after the breakup, I took the good advise from a wonderful friend, and started writing right here on Open Diary. What came of that advent was a miraculous meeting of so many wonderful people all over the world. I say meeting in the form of comments and notes from folk who have either gone through, or were currently experiencing, what I had endured. In addition to that, the people I did befriend were simply interested in the life I led, and the trials and tribulations I came across in my day to day living. It excited me, infact it drove me even harder to write. Of the people I did become close to, Tina (who wasn’t known as that) and I were the closest. I found her to be an incredibly honest woman, opening herself up to me with little if and mistrust. I believe I was responsible in the end for her total “coming out” to the friends she had made online. See, what you friends of her don’t know, is that she had so many wankers come to her, that she found it better to live as a “persona”, so as not to allow the bad ones to get in too far. The thing is though, that in doing that, the genuine people can’t get in either.

So we got really close, I even talked regularly to her husband Jack, who I admired hugely! We often talked about me heading over to Cali to meet them; Jack even wanted me to sit in on his run in the huge off-road event known as the Baja 1000. They own and run a “truggie” and he sent me numerous DVD’s on the sport. Surfing is my life and I couldn’t wait to get there, if for nothing else but to wipe out on a New Mexico wave! Over the following months, things went very bad for me here at home, and the money I had saved fell toward an operation on my shoulder, strangely associated with surfing and a huge falling out with my mother, who I was staying with at the time. Actually, I should point out that I had been staying with Mum on the Gold Coast since the break up with Kat, and I know I had outstayed my welcome there after hanging around in limbo for more than twelve months.

If anything, Tina and Jack were the ones who promoted me to move on and find a point of focus, but relationships with wayward women, and the inability to separate injury with logic, led me to feel more than “pathetically” sorry for myself. In addition, my band had fallen apart and I couldn’t find the guys to get it all going again. During all of this, those guys were there to push me along, but I still didn’t listen to what they were saying. See, how is it that two friends so far away could have such a vested interest in the life that I led? Well they did, but you can’t flog a dead horse, and you sure as hell can’t lead one to water if they can’t see the forest for the trees! As frustrating as things were for me, I look back now and wonder how the hell they stayed with me for as long as they did, but they did! I guess that is a testament to true friendship, even if the divide is the largest ocean in the world. Tina was guilty, OH SO GUILTY! She was guilty of showing unwavering affection for a man going off the rails big time! Her problem, she couldn’t drive over here and shake the shit out of me, and I know she wanted to!

So in a drunken tormented night, I defaced her, I wrote probably the harshest entry to memory, and she wore the entire brunt of my frustration! Then, like true gutless male, I soon after ended the open diary that I once loved. Honestly though, I did it a

s many of you would know, because the friends I had in all of you, were also friends of Tinas. I knew the following morning, the consequences of my actions. The comments I received from that entry were not good, and very few, if any, were in my favor. The ones that were, I guess didn’t know the full story, now they will.

I grew to love Tina as a sister, however the life that I had lead to live left me little time to spend with friends here at home, let alone friends online. It’s ok to dis your mates here, they can always come over when they want, but your mates online are left high and dry, not knowing what is going on, and I stopped writing so she had no idea if I was dead or alive. I was always drunk, and every time I looked at the comp, she was abusing me for not replying. The truth is, she was frustrated with knowing I was online, but ignoring her. Fair enough huh, you would feel the same. However I chose to not talk to her, because I didn’t want to face the truth I knew she was going to throw at me. I got to tell yawl, she’s a fiery lil shit when she’s pushed in a corner lol!

All that said, she never left my mind. Months passed by, and I know her, she cut me off. However, she remained a subscriber to my Myspace blog and I know that was just to know what I was doing, and that I was still alive. I contacted her once, which she never replied to, and I wasn’t phased by that. See, she has this eight time thing, it means that you have to contact her eight times before she will respond if you lose faith with her. Eight times means that you care enough to keep trying, and that means you are worth giving another chance. I only contacted her three times before she sent me a message right here on open diary. Her message, direct and straight to the point, I still love you as a brother, and I want you back in my life!

Guys, there is something about this woman that brings me back every time, she says we are kindred spirits, that our souls are matched somehow, I think it’s because she, like my wonderful other (better) half Ani, just know how I tick! Women have an uncanny way of knowing the men in their lives, the ones that mean the most. Brothers, husbands, boyfriends and true friends, you women seem to know how we tick, and you never let up lol! Sometimes it takes a few knocks in our Neanderthal heads before we get the gist of what counts in life, god knows I have now!

The point of all of this, I needed to let all know that it was ME who was wrong, not Tina; she was the unfortunate brunt of an unexpected slag on her being! She never saw it coming, and suffered more than all of you know for it occurring. I am very proud to say that she has openly welcomed reconciliation to our friendship, and that we will never go back in this direction again.

I was in very dark frightening place guys, a place that I have seen two friends choose death. If there is anything worth saying to any of you, depression is something that you can seek medical help for, I did and I am testament to success in that area. Self doubt is something that takes over your whole body and mind, I found a wonderful woman who, to this day, loves me like I am the last man on earth, and I have friends who have NEVER left my side, Tina is one of them if not the closest. So, to my beautiful sister on the other side of the world, thank you Angel, for still believing in me and wanting me in your life, when we gonna talk!!!! For all my Myspace mates, this ones gonna seem like a bit of a weird one, but since you haven’t been here from the get go, I’ll let you off lol! Fortunately, I never fully cancelled this site, cause I would have lost more than Tina, I’d have lost all of you too!

I Love You Guys!

Luke xoxoxo

(ps still no pics, my comps still not fixed)