The only difference between CT and CA is T&A.

I’m struck with this feeling like this all I’ve become. And for someone like me who is constantly looking to be better and improve, hitting a ceiling like this can be devestating to one’s ego and self importance. Is this really everything I am? Is this how far as I can make it? Am I stuck being this person that isn’t nearly as perfect as he should be? FUCK! I firmly believe that it can always get better, and more to the point, I can get better. I have to be better. This isn’t good enough, my life isn’t good enough, I’m not good enough. Back in the CT, I was on top. There was nothing I couldn’t do or get, and everyone loved me. I had my life going great. But the setting was only okay. Somewhat mediocre in its execution. But here in California, I find the setting that is as close to perfect as I would ever expect, yet find that maybe it’s too much for me to handle. Let alone exceed in. And I can’t explain how, or why, or any of those pertinent questions, I’m just left with a feeling that, lo and behold, I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. It’s late. I’m going to fall asleep now and in the morning, I’ll meditate on this and figure out exactly what’s making this place so out of my reach in comprehension. But fuck if I don’t rise to the challenge and beat it. There’s nothing I can’t do. I just have to figure out the rules to this new game.