No control, No Parkour, Josh go crazy.

 I need my car. No no, let me rephrase. I NEED my car. Facebook doesn’t allow me to bold, italicize, and double underline that word while making it abnormally large. But if it did, know that all those changes would be made. I’m still not really in the swing of things, and that’s kind of a problem. It’s not the end of the world, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a problem at all. I’m surviving, and for a while, that was fine. Now, I need more, I need to actually put the effort in. For me, for you, for pretty much everyone. But here’s the problem. I’m not going to ask for more from the people providing me with a service because it adds up, and my amount of debt, both fiscally and emotionally, are reaching crazy stupid proportions. I need a new job, but I’m not getting one yet because I don’t want to have to make Chris drive farther than he already is. And I know he’ll say he won’t care, but that really does absolutely nothing for my conscience. I want to train and do parkour, but as it is not a necessity for living and it’s costing gas money to go anywhere to do it, I don’t. Which is why I’ve been staying in and I’ve only trained once since I got out here. And I’m not going to lie, that is the hardest thing to sacrifice. Everyday I wake up and feel more and more detached from this place, and where I am, because I haven’t been able to go out and experience California in the best way I know how. By training with people, by running through the streets and doing what I do best; express myself through movement. Hell, if I were able to dance the way I know how, with someone that could do any of the things I could do, I’d feel better, but my boss is doing her absolute best to squash any form of self expression from the entire studio. I’m fighting that, goddess knows, but I’m also getting used to it. Complacency is the first step to slavery, and I’m not going to just sit there and take it. I watch videos of the guys training both here and in CT, and I’m jealous, and angry that I’m not doing it either. I don’t currently have my freedom to do what I want. And it’s driving me absolutely crazy. I’m angry more often than not, but it’s staying bottled up. I’m putting so much of it behind me, I’m surprise I don’t leave a wake of complete and utter destruction everywhere I go. But that’s me. Gotta maintain control at all times. For my sake, for yours, for pretty much everyones. It really isn’t helping the fact that I feel so out of practice with my own body. I don’t even know if I can move how I used to. And that’s adding to the stress and anger. I’m just not in shape anymore, and yes, I know this is beginning to sound very superficial, but it’s the truth. My control over my emotions is being strained, and my control over my physical body just isn’t there anymore. And to me, that’s just as bad as not having any kind of control at all. 
To top it all off, and everyone can get a good laugh out of this one, I think I might be homesick. I really do. I miss the studio, I miss some of the people, but more than anything else, I miss the control. I miss my life, my ability to do what i want when I want to, the freedom to choose to be active, or lazy. Not being forced into that by necessity. And it’s funny because moving out here, I was suppose to get more of that, and currently, I don’t have it. Not having people in my life is slowly making me realize the kind of connection I want with them, or had with them. But I have nothing else to focus on except what’s here, and currently there’s nothing else. And this isn’t me crying out about being lonely or anything, mainly because I’m not lonely. I get angry if I don’t hear from certain people, I find myself hoping that I’ll talk to others on any given day, and I’m wondering, "why the fuck do i care?" I used to not. Yeah it was fun when i did and got to talk to others, but I’ve never lost any amount of sleep over the idea that I didn’t talk to anyone on any given day. 
I’m not happy. I’m not even content, which more often than not is boring anyway, but still. In fact, I can’t even say I’m bored with anything, because I have nothing to be bored with. There is just currently nothing out here that I feel connected to that doesn’t exist outside of this apartment, but in this state. I can sit online, or in front of the TV, or stay in bed all day. That’s the closest I get to what I want. I go to the bar once a week, which is fine. I have no desire to go more than that, mainly because by the time I’m done with work, I don’t want to do anything. Or talk to anyone. I just want to sleep, forget the last 5 hours of my day, pretend they never existed and wake up with something better. But currently that doesn’t happen. I want to yell and scream and vent and rant and rage and just tell everyone to fuck off. I want to be able to enjoy this. I want to be on my own again. I don’t want to feel like no matter where I go, I have to work to keep someone else happy, or content, because god forbid I don’t put the effort into anyone else. I need an outlet, and back in CT, parkour was the outlet. I could focus on the movement, the strength, the exercises, and release all the stress and anger that way. Now, I can’t do anything but bottle it all up, and constantly have to deal with putting in the effort for others. I get it everyone’s angry, everyone has shit they have to deal with, and everyone has ideas on how things should be handled. I handle things by myself first, I hate asking for things that I should be doing on my own, and I hate being asked by others to do things that they should be doing by themselves. Trust me, I have a very good handle on what I think are my responsibilities, I know who has helped me, and is currently helping me deal with the things that I currently can’t stay on top of, but the point of the fact is, until I’m in control of everything that is in my life, that is my responsibility, I can’t expend any effort into anyone else’s life. It’s not that important. Priorities first. I don’t like not being able to afford the life I want, because I’d be lying if I said I could. I don’t like that my best friend is paying for pretty much everything. I’m trying so hard to just deal with this bullshit hand I’ve been dealt, and stay in front of the shit that I’ve always dealt with on my own, without asking for more from anyone else. If that’s not fucking good enough, well, then everyone gets to be miserable, because it IS the best I can do. I haven’t payed my credit card bill in over 2 months. I haven’t payed for any of the bills out here. Every paycheck I get working part time on minimum wage is immediately deposited and kept in the bank, not for a rainy day, not in a savings account, but only till the end of the month when it goes out to pay for my car insurance, and my car payments. I’m lucky, if at the end of a month I have $100 in my account. Does this situation suck? Absolutely. Can anything be done about it? Not without putting myself into more debt to Chris, or just completely sacrificing everything that makes me happy. So, in other words, no. Is it fair to him? No. I’m not happy but I’m dealing with it. Sort of. I know all of this, I don’t generally bring it up because it doesn’t solve any of the problems, and in the long run, that’s the

only thing I care about. Gotta keep moving forward, one agonizing step at a time. And that’s what Im trying to do.
I’m pretty sure that this is most of the the crap that’s been in my head, but by no means is this everything. I haven’t even gotten into my thoughts on the relationships I actually have with people. That’s sure to piss someone off. And you know what, I’m actually starting to feel bad about pissing people off. That’s a giant step backwards in my book. I find myself telling lies to make people feel better about themselves, then telling the truth and damn the consequences. Whatever. Once I’m in control, and I’ve payed my debts, and I have no one to worry about but myself, then I get to pick and choose who else I add to my responsibilities, and how to deal with EVERYTHING. Until then, I’m going to go back to my silent anger, and lack of control, and lack of focus, and lack of parkour, and lack of ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY, and just try to deal with it as best I can. And I have to say, it has been officially 3 months since I moved, and considering this is the first it’s come out, I think I’m doing pretty goddamned well for myself when it comes to this bullshit. So forgive me if I seem ungrateful, and I’m a selfish prick, but I’m doing what I’m good at, and I’m doing the best I can, and damn it all, it’s pretty fucking good considering everything that goes into this. I’m done.