new, in an antiquated sort of way. copied from LJ.

it’s funny… i never check this… today i’m bored and here i am. okay, maybe not that funny. but new, in the antiquated sort of way. i don’t even know where to begin. i was happy for a while, now i’m just content. some things are are better than they were, some are worse but most things haven’t changed. there was katie… and i guess there still is katie. 6 months of katie. 7 months tomorrow. katie has been in Idaho for the past 2 weeks, maybe 3, and who knows when she’ll be back again, if she’ll be back again. but the sad part is, that either way, i don’t know if it will really change my attitude at all. if she comes back yay… if she doesn’t, oh well. (and i thought it was love.) i was happy, now i guess i’m just bored. it’s the same. all the time. nothing changes. i have my job, i have my car, i have my health, i have my girl who’s madly in love with me, to the point that marriage was talked about, (as you all know), i have my girls that love me just because they can and i want them to, and i have my friends. i apologize for sounding presumptious/conceited. i have activities to keep me occupied, new hobbies to pick up and discard as i see fit, new things happening all the time in my life. but for some reason or another i can’t help but feel like somethings missing. that as good as all that is, and it is good, (i mean honestly, whoever thought i was going to make it this far) why do i feel like nothing has changed? why do i feel like i still have no direction in life? why do i feel like i fell into the routine of life? i’m not necessarily successful, i’m not rich, and none of those things i said i had came without hard work, but why does it all feel wrong? what happened? why does it still feel like i’ve done nothing, i’m never going to do anything, and everything i have just is the way it’s supposed to be? what happened to the challenge of life? when did it become easier? why does it feel like i have nothing left to prove to anyone? including myself? what’s left? i mean seriously? i thought that when everything was over and done, you were supposed to be happy? why aren’t i happy? life just is now, there is no more maybe’s for me. as far as i can tell i will always have my job, i will always have my health, i will have my girl that loves me, i will have my car, i have nothing anymore to really work for. i will have all the fun things i do with my friends. i will always have my friends, and even that’s a surprise because i’m the guy that always said never trust a friend to stay a friend but always trust an enemy to stay an enemy. but they are there too… and i don’t want them to leave by any means… i don’t know what i want. i want mystery back, i want to fight for something. i want to want something and someone so bad it makes me hurt and it drives me to push farther and farther and farther until i get it. i want to feel like somethings just out of reach and i want to laugh in the worlds face when i finally get it. i don’t want to know that there’s nothing left anymore… well i don’t want to feel that way anyways. i want to have nothing and fight for everything again. i hate this feeling of comfort that comes with security in knowing that for once, i actually have everything that makes normal people happy. i hate feeling trapped by my own life. now i guess i’m just ranting.

the worst part about it is that if the opportunity came up for everything to go back to the way it was; scratching for my money, wondering if i have enough to cover rent and car insurance, not having anyone who really cared about me the way katie does, or any of the girls that care about me the way they do; i wouldn’t take it. why? simple. because i’m used to this, and i am comfortable, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to not have to worry about any of that crap, and put up a facade that i am as happy as a pig in shit in the direction my life is going. but it is just a facade. i’ve had it for so long, that sometimes i even feel happy. and maybe i am, but who knows? i don’t know. maybe i’m just crazy.

maybe i’ll write more later… or maybe next year when i write again, everything will be better. :::shrug::: nothing to do about it now. i’m going home. g’night everybody.