04/09/2010

 I’m not titling this one, because I don’t know what I would call it. I’m bored. Bored of life, and I don’t mean suicidal, I mean I’m just bored of the things that this current life has to offer. Meaning, I hate going out because every time I turn around, I find another reason to hate everyone I lay eyes on. Or at least not be interested enough to get to know them. And before anyone goes off on me for not giving people the opportunity, I have. I’ve sat and listened and actually tried to be interested in what’s happening to anyone, and be friendly and all that bullshit, but I seriously can’t ever build up any amount of enthusiasm or care about anyone I meet. There are a number of things I can bitch about not liking, and you know what, I’m going to. We got the people out of the way. Let’s talk about work. Finding a job is ri-fucking-diculous. Not to say I haven’t tried, but I have my pride, and there are some things I just won’t do. And contrary to what people say, beggars CAN be choosers. I am choosing to work in dance, not fast food. I’m not going to get a desk job, but I will work at a Game Stop. Because I like the atmosphere and the people. And the product. If I would spend the money in the place for pleasure, I probably would work there just as easily. If not, well, then you’d be hard pressed to find me wasting any amount of time behind the counter. Let’s face it. I’m a stubborn, selfish bastard most of the time, and I’ll probably get fired or end up quitting before I make any amount of money. I’m a creature of instinct and comfort. I can know right off the bat whether or not I like working at a certain place or with certain people, and I will hold on to those instincts and first impressions forever. Not really productive when it comes to actually holding a job, but I’m not changing. And yes, I know there are consequences for my actions, or inaction, as the case may warrant, but I still reserve the right to bitch about it. Plus, I had a job that was paying the bills and getting shit done that I was actually enjoying and in love with, and I don’t see any reason to take a step backwards in that regards. I just recently found a job at a dance studio in Pasadena. Now, let’s list the positives. 1) It’s a job doing something I’m good at. 2) I can make my own hours and come and go as I please. 3) There’s not a queue when it comes to new students. Any DEs that walk in are almost definitely going to be mine. Now, those sound like great perks. The owner is a choreographer on Dancing with the Stars, so I get to meet some pretty cool people. He also wants me to work with some of the trainees and go over the American Syllabus with them because, and this is con number one, they use almost exclusively international styling. Actually, the way Christian put it, it’s American choreography with international technique. Whatever. Con number 2) I only get paid for what I teach. Doesn’t seem like a big deal, and at least he was upfront about it as opposed to the bibbidy bobbidy bitch from Glendale. But, I’m working on a very limited budget here. I have no car insurance, and no way to finance constantly driving back and forth to the studio wasting time and not teaching. I know that I’m investing time into the studio, which is fine, but time is the one commodity I can’t afford to waste without some kind of recompense. 3) No W2. I’m hired as an outside contractor which means I’ll be getting a 1099 form. I’ve dealt with them before, but that’s annoying as fuck. Plus, I’m not allowed to teach on the side. If I do, I lose this job. 4) Learning international. I don’t have a problem with actually learning international because it’s part of the job and for a competitive studio, like they are, it’d be useful. But, the process of actually going about it is completely mind numbing. Videos. Watch, repeat. I can’t do that. I’m bad at it. I’m much better actually dancing with someone and learning kinesthetically. Unfortunately, when no one has a set schedule, how the hell am I supposed to dance with anyone. In and out, up and down, everyone is doing their own thing. I love working within a system. maybe not necessarily following the system, but as least having boundaries to work within.  Now, I might seem like the last person in the world to complain about structure, or lack thereof in this case, but seriously, folks? There’s no rhyme or reason to the way they do things there. In fact, they cancelled their classes for tonight because one of the teachers had a performance tonight and everyone decided to go to that instead. Seriously? What the GAY?!?!? I was told to go to the studio today to be in classes, and guess what, that didn’t work out at all. Grr… [I just thought of a title. "I’m gonna go sing the Doom Song now."] 

So. People and jobs covered. Well, Job covered, people eluded to. The final piece, and currently the most important piece to me. Parkour training. I have done very little, to no training our here, as I’ve said before. Now, I figure I was competent and comfortable enough at it, that a break was good for my body and I’d be able to fall back into it easily. Unfortunately, that is not the case. It’s going on a year of no training, and the one time I actually attempted to go out and do something, I was unable to do any of the things that I would have normally been able to do easily. Plus I haven’t worked out in forever, and most people wouldn’t look at that as anything, but it’s a huge fucking deal. My motivation to do these things is pretty non-existent out here. For a multitude of reasons, I think. I’m still trying to figure out why exactly I don’t do any of these things. The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that in Burbank there are exactly 0 places to train. I’ve gone out, I’ve driven to North Hollywood, I’ve driven around Burbank, I’ve put in the effort to actually find somewhere locally to train. And all I’ve gotten for it is a big fucking goose egg. Now, Santa Monica and UCLA aren’t too far away and they are great places to train. But, again, regular transportation to those places are currently out of my price range. Now, I’ve met some of the traceurs out here, and I just don’t connect with them the same way I did when I was in CT, MA, and NY. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t trained enough with them, but I can’t really do anything about that right now. I have P90X here, and I could be doing that to keep up my strength, but there are still motivational problems I have to contend with. I’m just plainly not happy out here with what I have, don’t have, and with the final product of what I can get. I know I’m always going to feel like I’m missing something. Now, I have some friends back on the east coast that are actually doing the productive thing with parkour and bringing it more to the surface, and I was a part of that, and I miss it. I’ve done so much for the community and trying to move it forward, and not being a part of it, and hearing about it, and not being able to do anything about it here is just plain ol’ depressing. I’m depressed. I’m not doing what I love. I recently just heard that Sha was in the process of getting at least one parkour park opened up in NY. That’s awesome! In fact, that was an idea I had for CT. I can’t do that out here in CA because the scene is just too big to be able to focus in one direction like that. The NE scene was much more manageable. Especially with motivated people like Bobby, the Mila

no’s RoBear, and most of the rest of the NEPK community. There’s a passion we all shared that’s prevalent out there, that I just have not found out here. And it’s upsetting, and the number one reason I’m not happy.

All in all, CA was a great state for a "vacation from real life." I know I needed something like that, but I feel like I have to get back to reality now, and I can’t find that out here. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel like I might just end up back in CT at the end of the summer. It makes more sense, and it makes me happier. Because I’m actually doing things I enjoy, and producing something. There’s an inherent pleasure and happiness to being able to contribute and provide for a community you’re passionate about, and the fact that I’m missing out on the chances to do that is killing me on the inside. Plus, I miss the training and not being able to do any of the things that I was so very competent at not so long ago. I’m almost positive that I’m going to end up back in CT. I think. I just need to wait out this month, and maybe next. By the end of May, I’ll know for sure. And then I have to do it. It’s kind of funny how when I was in CT, all I wanted was out. My luck being what it is, I finally get out at the moment that I’m learning how to, and actually enjoying, what I have there. Now being away from it, I just want it back. I’m going to get it back.