Sleepers

Will is at a work function, two of the three kids are sleeping, so it seems like a perfect time for me to write. It’s hard to find time these days, or much to write about for that matter.

I read an entry by MandyMom the other day that completely hit home. The entry referenced marriage and husbands, and raised the question, "What is it like to be married to me"? I know the answer to that question, and I don’t love it. I have had such a hard time since we’ve moved churches and I’ve taken most of my frustration/sadness/bitterness out on Will. What I have really struggled with is that he may have found a job he loves, but  at the same time,I was forced out of a job I loved. I still haven’t fully recovered emotionally from everything that went down at St. John, and I don’t know when (if) I ever will. I’m over expecting one of the higher ups to contact me and apologize. I no longer panic at the thought of seeing people from the church at random places. I can drive by the school without feeling sick. It’s more of a dull ache now, but it’s still there.

I’m working two part time jobs as a teacher’s aid in two year old classrooms. I work M-W-F at one school, and T-Th at the preschool at Will’s church. I have so much respect for anyone who voluntarily chooses to teach two year olds. It is NOT for me. I don’t deal well with lack of structure, lack of communication, and abundance of poop/pee. I feel very unfulfilled in these jobs, as there is no challenge. I show up, play with the kids, follow any directions the teachers give me (one of whom doesn’t have a degree), and go home. I hope and pray that this aiding is my ticket in the door to a school and that I will again have a full time job next year. I really don’t know what I will do if this does not pan out, or how we would cope financially.

The boys are going to preschool at Mt. Calvary (Will’s church) because it’s important for us to support the church in every way possible. The extreme  pro to this is that they attend for free, and the director is extremely kind and flexible with our schedule. The con is that this preschool is not on the same level as J’s former preschool. There is very little structure, discipline, actual learning take place. I get that they are young and should be learning through play, but I am seeing the implications that lack of structure is having on their behavior, and it is driving me crazy. I need to stop comparing everything to St. John (our old school), but it is so hard because I really did think it was a great school in spite of how our time there ended.

I am becoming crafty in my spare time. My newest interests are making hairbows for Abby, and painting quotes and saying’s on canvas’s. I never realized how incredibly easy hairbows were to make!! They are pricey too, so I’m glad I figured out how to make them on my own.

So, back to my original thought. I am feeling disconnected from Will, but I KNOW that’s because I have pushed him away. I have built up this wall around myself, and I’ve been full of anger. I am really blessed by him. I mean, if I wrote down ALL of the things he does for me and our family, you’d all be amazed. It’s not his fault I don’t have a job. I need to acknowledge that, and make sure he knows that I don’t think that.

His birthday is Monday. I want to help him have one of his best years yet.