Magic 8 Ball

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is over already. With everything going on (Will’s job, pregnancy,teaching), the holidays just seemed to be a blip on the radar. Will has to work a Jr. High lock-in on New Year’s Eve, so that will be uneventful as well.

We are in Kansas City visiting Will’s family. We got here yesterday, and are leaving to go home tomorrow night. It’s a short trip, but I asked Will that we cut it short because I’m not much of a traveller. I like to be in my own place, my own space. I’d also like to get into school to get some work done and that obviously can’t happen if we stay in KC. It’s been a nice visit so far. My mil steps on my toes at times, but I’ve learned to roll with it. She means well.

I am feeling frustrated with Will regarding the job and moving situation. Currently, it seems that the church which has the most interest in him is located in Minnesota. Will has told me on numerous occasions that we will not move to a new location unless I am on board with it. I have told him that I am 100% not okay with moving to Minnesota. I actually like Minnesota a lot. We spent all of my childhood summers up there at the family lakehouse. What I am not okay with is that is far.far away from my family, and I would never be happy living in a place where it is Winter the majority of the year. I know that seems trivial, but it’s the truth. I am one of those people who is ALWAYS cold. I use my heated blanket even in the summer. I get very nervous driving in the snow (or knowing family members are out in it). I can’t stand being stranded in my house because a car is snowed in. I can’t imagine bundling up three little kids anytime we want or need to go anywhere. The honest truth is that I don’t want to move anywhere, but I am at least open to a few of the other locations. Even though I told Will I would not be okay with moving to Minnesota, he keeps talking about it as if it’s going to happen. He went so far as to tell my family he thinks we will be moving there EVEN AFTER we had discussed and agreed that we would not. I feel like he is not listening to me or giving my feelings and concern. I feel so much anger inside. Why did this have to happen? Why do we have to uproot our entire lives yet again?? Why can’t Will understand how difficult this is for me? It’s like he expects me to poop rainbows every time he gets a new lead on a new location, when all I want is to stay in St. Louis. I know we will survive this, but right now it all feels like too much. I wish I could let myself break down and cry, but I have never been good with expressing emotions. I keep everything bottled up until it either comes out in my eating disorder, or comes out in anger. Lately I just feel detached from the situation, like this couldn’t possibly be my reality. I know I am being selfish. There are people who are going through things much more difficult than relocation and job uncertainty, but my feelings feel genuine just the same.

We had a nice Christmas. The boys seemed to enjoy their gifts. The boys and I got Will a new blender because Gavin broke his old one while exploring our cabinets. You know you’re old and married to a metrosexual when he gets very excited about a blender. 🙂 We also made him a picture–it had his handprint with Jacob and Gavin’s printed inside of his. On top I had the quote" Lead up a Child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not stray from it"…….Daddy, Jacob, and Gavin 2011. I have become addicted to Pinterest and am hoping/planning to do lots of (at least partially) homemade birthdays and Christmases from now on.

Things with the baby seem to be progressing well. I had another ultrasound on Friday. She has moved up to the 40% in weight, so up 10% from last time. I am trying not to stress about weight gain, but as usual that’s a challenge for me. If I keep my weight gain at a pound per week, I will weigh around 140 at delivery. I need to be okay with that. I know in actuality it’s not a high number, but especially when the rest of life seems so chaotic, my weight seems like something I could have at least a tiny bit of control over.

Let’s see…what else. I’ve developed a weakness for dollar lottery scratchers. Will gave me one for Christmas that ended up winning me $25. I keep cashing in parts of my winnings for more tickets and so far have made close to $100. I should quit while I’m ahead.

Alright…time to get some sleep. I’m sharing a bed with J while we are with our inlaws. It’s me, him, and lots of his toys. Super comfortable. 😉