Day 3

 Intense. That is the only word I can think of to describe the past few days. I am beyond exhausted physically and mentally. Seriously, this is so much harder than I had prepared myself for.

We get up and have our vitals taken every morning around 6:00 a.m. From there we get ready for the day and have breakfast. After breakfast we have three therapy groups that last until lunch time. After lunch we are in therapy again until 3:00. During the time from 3:00 until dinner we have individual meetings with our therapists and nutritionists. We also have a list of "assignments" we need to complete each week. They are all very time consuming and mentally draining. I am learning that I hate thinking about things/genuinely processing my feelings. Probably why I binge and purge.

For the past three days I have been on constant supervision, which means I’ve gotten NO alone time when I am awake. I’ve had to ask a staff member to escort me anywhere I wanted to go. When we were not in group sessions I have been confined to one living room and the back deck of the building. This means that from 3:00 (1:30 today!) until bedtime I really haven’t been able to leave these two rooms. I can’t do ANYthing without permission–not even get a glass of water! I (as expected) have to have someone stand at the door anytime I use the bathroom. Starting tonight my observations have been lowered to the two hours following each meal. We finished dinner at 7:00, so that means I have to stay in this room until 9:00.

Tonight is the first night my bathroom will be unlocked at night. I am so relieved. Let’s face it-pregnant women pee A LOT!! The nurses do hourly rounds at night, and I have been laying awake in my bed afraid that I will miss my hourly chance to pee. Yes, I could call them to unlock my door if I needed it, but I feel bad putting them out.

The amount and types of food I am eating are completely out of my comfort zone, but honestly the lack of freedom has been more challenging than (most) of the eating.

I miss Jacob horribly!! Thankfully he is able to visit me every night!! He came Monday and Yesterday, but Will could not bring him tonight. We are trying to find a good balance for him bc we don’t want to screw with his head too much. Also, as Will pointed out, if they come to see me everynight than they aren’t really living normal life. Jacob needs to be able to play, and the treatment center doesn’t really provide for that. By the time Will gets off work and the two of them come out here and go back home, it is almost time for J to go to bed. I wish that weren’t the case. If I had it my way they would be here EVERY night.

I get to leave for a little bit tomorrow to go to my obgyn appt. I’ve never been so excited to go to the doctor. I hope and pray that baby is not still measuring behind!! I am nervous. He has been a little acrobat the past few days, so that has been reassuring. I think he likes food. 😉

My roommate is interesting. She’s pretty anti-social. Anytime I talk to her I feel like I am giving her panic attacks. I talk a lot when I get nervous, so I am pretty sure I have been her worst nightmare.

There is a million more things I could write, but I don’t even know how to get it all out.

By the time this is all said and done I hope to be eating disorder free. At the very least I will be able to kick anybody’s ass in the card game Hearts or Scrabble. 😉