1/8/07

It’s good to be back at school. I feel like we are getting a lot accomplished today. My resolution to be a better teacher seems to be on track so far (even though it’s only day one!). I have to go to the dentist tonight. There are few things I dislike more.

I have been feeling SO weird lately. It’s like I am on the verge of crying constantly, but for no reason. I feel overwhelmed, but it’s all good things that are happening.  I need to just relax and appreciate all of the awesomeness—not overanalyze everything like I typically do.

I feel so strongly that getting married to Will is the best thing for me, but I am still a little freaked out about it. I guess I am scared by how quickly everything has progressed. Under different circumstances I am sure we would date longer before getting engaged. He has to move this summer wherever he gets called to be a pastor. Neither of us wants to do a long distance relationship. We don’t want to live together before marriage, which isn’t an option anyway given both of our professions. I don’t want to move somewhere new and have to live alone, not to mention that we would be paying double money since we would both need a place. There are so many reasons that us doing this now makes sense(including the fact that I genuinely love and want to be with him).

Fear has kept me from doing so many things in my life. I am not good with change,and uncertainty drives me crazy. I can’t let my fear of change keep me from enjoying my relationsip with Will. My biggest fear is that we are in the "honeymoon" phase of dating. What if come September when we are getting married we have moved past that stage, and realize we aren’t good for eachother?

I am sure it is natural to freak out a little bit before you take a big step like getting engaged. I didn’t really freak out when Jeremy and I got engaged, but we had been together 4+ years at the time. I knew that boy inside and out. I wasn’t crazy in love with him like I feel that I am with Will, but I had been at one time(throughout the first year of our relationship). That love failed. I don’t want to go through that again. EVER.

I have been having really vivid dreams the past few nights. Jeremy has been in them. He and I have been talking about the possibility of us getting back together. Even as we are talking in my dream I know in my head I could never go through with a marriage to him. Then I start freaking out and I am searching for Will and I can’t find him anywhere. So then I start thinking through all of my old boyfriends and decide maybe I will settle and go back with one of them, but mainly I just want to find Will. They are crazy and wierd,but I always wake up so happy that Will is actually in my life.

Okay, enough rambling. I need to stop thinking so much.