Funny Sarcastic Quotes

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why isn’t notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why: because paper can’t beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode? (Don’t try this at home, kids)

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Basic research is what I’m doing, when I don’t know what I’m doing.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

The number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).

Everyone says I’m a blonde at heart. But my hearts not blonde.

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“4”>I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

Don’t take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

My parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn’t take me far enough into the woods.

We American’s, we’re a simple people… but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

Assassins Inc. We aim to please.

Limiting the freedom of news ‘just a little bit’ is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.

Dance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.

Bullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.

Angry people need hugs (or sharp objects).

The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn’t say anything its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

I didn’t vote and I didn’t die! Fuck you P. Diddy!

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.

Nostradamus predicted you’d be a loser.