Until the After: Day 228 (supplemental)

Having throttled down my daily writing quota I find myself no more productive in other aspects of my life.

NaNoWriMo is only a few days away. I have to get my $#!% together.

And you shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new. Lev 26:10

The journals are piling up. I need to figure out what to do.

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Somebody I know said to me the other day “Wow your friends seem really inconsiderate.”

Interesting. This was a few weeks back when I mentioned I showed up for coffee that Erda had suggested and she was a no show. When I went down the street to her apartment because she wasn’t answering her phone I got “Oh yeah, I forgot. I have sleep issues.” Well here’s the thing. I have effin sleep issues too but I don’t call people to see them and not show up. I also don’t invite them to coffee (a year ago) and suddenly remember I have no money after the order has been made. This has gotten to be a habit and I’m not sure if Erda was always this much of a taker or there is some leafy dementia afflicting my 70 y/o friend. Well, she told me she was going whale watching and would get with me later because she really really wants to have a proper sit-down visit. “You call me lady,” I thought as I walked back to my new car that she didn’t see because I’m not one to brag “but I won’t be holding my breath.” I mourn these once wonderful friendships gone sour because I really feel like it’s somehow my fault because whenever there was a good time to be had I was the one who would always bring it, the one who made things happen.  I feel like I taught these women a weird kind of certainty that I’d always just be there no matter what they did and they didn’t even have to meet the minimum. So do I have a right to feel resentful?

Seeing people in their best light gets to be a reflex, then it gets to be a blind spot.

So no I haven’t heard from Erda and don’t expect to for some time. I no longer have the shoulders to carry that weight.

Part two: Delphina sends me a text asking how I am. I crack my usual joke and she replied today (2 days later) how she’s stressed out. Okay, what’s eating at ya? I’m dumb enough to ask, to care. She tells me and I suggest a solution. Nope nope. Can’t do it. Offer her an escape. Nope nope. Well maybe…nope nope. So this person who ghosted me last year because she was “being nice” really only wants someone to whine to. She says she wants to get together but the long selection of personal choices puts her in the cage she says makes her miserable. She seeks me out to set things up she’s going to cancel. WTF are we even doing? So 60-year-old friend seems to have some issues too.

Why do I respond? Somehow I feel it’s me that is being rude when again I’m the one who is always there when they want but just like a dusty shoe that doesn’t really fit and yet they keep for that one day they might need to clean up some dog poop in the yard or some other task they’ve put off. The old shoe gets thrown on the porch and forgotten. This old shoe isn’t really doing anybody any favors.

Again, I’m super sad because for many years I held this person in high esteem. I really believed they had the potential to be their best self.  I never would have quit believing that if she hadn’t flipped on me out of the blue. Oddly Pup told me the other day “you really need to get her out of your life, all she does is complain. She’s just not very fun.”

I’m really worried about this chip in me that makes me super accommodating. I really do like being alone. Why does it make me feel bad to be okay with being aloof, self-interested, happy even, and not want to share it with people?

My empathy model doesn’t work. The list of people who actively seek me out because I’m nice and a good listener but who never listen to what I tell them gets longer and longer. I’m the one who allows this.

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Black dog pity party aside…I found Castle Rock on Hulu the other day. Such a beautiful piece of fanfic I could never have imagined. I have no shame when it comes to Stephen King but I’ve never been very impressed by the concept of fanfic. Well, the gal who writes that show gets the whole thing right. If I needed a distraction from my Pandemic angst Castle Rock fills the bill.