Summer Always Starts Monday Squared

Not to pick on Hubbin but he doesn’t do holidays well because they are never populated with the midwestern family members that can only live in his head.

My “whatever the hell it is” was in full flare Saturday and it was all I could do to crawl out of bed and follow him to town so we could get measurements for the grown-up boys’ windows. It’s supposed to get hot and they need to put AC in but those are NEW windows not to be abused and they have neither skill nor tools to do this themselves. It’s gonna get hot.

It wasn’t my idea.

By the time I got there, he had tried to return some dumb Amazon item and literally had the door shut and locked in his face as they saw him approach.

So he was already mad.

Not having the house any closer to cleaned up and no sign of adult son to help further irritated him. I don’t blame him for that but the tantrum that followed (me again, by his design, in the middle of something he should have organized hiomnself) lead to his assertion that he’s the only one who does anything and that I just lay around all day watching westerns and “playing” on my phone. He used the word lazy. Not ok. Ten years standing on concrete floors and lifting 80+ bags of S#*! the entitled flying public really didn’t need to drag across the country is why sometimes yes I find myself not moving, afraid to move, certain that sitting very still will make my life just a bit more tolerable. Lazy is an ugly word, a mean word from someone who has benefitted directly from my perseverance. Just because “the autism made me do it” doesn’t mean you aren’t being a butthole.

By Monday I had pulled myself a little more together to go see Hope. She is really struggling. Now they are using the word Lupus. All I could do was ask her if that made sense to her. She said it does but there’s a whole lot they’re going to put here through before there is any suggestion of help. Now is the time to understand but not try to be a know-it-all bossy McFixit. She is not a person who wants to be stopped in her tracks. The truth is I wasn’t doing a whole lot better myself (it’s getting hot) but the worst thing when you feel like crap is isolation. There were a couple of new horses to see and we played a couple of rounds of cards before I declared I was tired (mostly because I could see she was fading) and had Hubbin drag me home. She wants to go play again in a month or two and I’m all for it. North Idaho was a hit.

Hubbin’s attitude sure changed.  He sure couldn’t miss what was going on there. He’s declared himself too busy to help the boys and that’s probably true. Maybe that’ll motivate them but I don’t think he’s going to be happy with the outcome if they take matters into their own hands. Him being happy with anything really isn’t standard fare. That’s his burden. Empathy being a bitch I get snared into too many things that aren’t possible to remedy. I guess it’s a package deal. No answers there.

Chased off a migraine this morning and he gave me space to deal with it. Felt that afterward calm and relief that follows when the magic works. By the time he wandered out the door (declaring I need to “consult the oracle” solo today because he’s too busy), I feel like “human” is within the range of possibilities. I find “the talking cure” pretty effing boring, mostly because the subject matter is me and I’m with me 24/7.  I’d rather…well, just about anything.