Gosh No

Delphyna again this afternoon. I’m trying to take a nap because I’m cold. “We’re going up to Casino X. You should come too.” Okay, last time we went to that place 7 years ago we came back with Norovirus. Four months ago I told her that a trip to Casino Y was the last thing I was going to be doing during the pandemic. I explained social distancing and that this is not just the flu. I met with her in a park and demonstrated how serious I am about this. Now take all that out of it. The last place I need to be is a casino. A Casino does not one damn thing for me. No, I didn’t respond. I promised myself I wouldn’t. Last year this time my heart was broken because what I thought was one of my best friends had completely ghosted me and then told me the trip of a lifetime was complete garbage when I got so worried I went to check on her. My bowing out now is not a petty tit for tat thing I’m just done putting in effort just to set myself up again. Everybody who knows the situation says removing myself from the circular firing squad is a good thing. It’s just really hard.

I have books to write and edit and sell. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of valuable time.

I’m missing weird stuff. I want a really good fresh raised donut with pink frosting and sprinkles. I want to eat it in an office where nobody can bust in and demand I fix lunch just as I’m starting to do something productive.

I did the bad thing today. There’s a burger place halfway home from town. They are building something new in the shopping center. I buy a fish sandwich and fries and Dr. Pepper. I sit in the dark and wonder about that building. I’m just happy to be alone for a short while. Pup and I had just had our neurofeedback and he just wouldn’t talk to me. “I just want to go home,” he says and until I asked him about the new cabin filter I got for my car he didn’t have a dozen words for me. Mom gets nothing these days. I can’t talk to Hubbin about any of this he just gets up and walks out of the room. So I sit in the car by myself for just a little while because the darkness isn’t dismissing me, or thinking up more things for me to do as a go-between that I’m just going to catch hell for, or worse, just be ignored as if it was my idea to do all the stuff that takes me away from other tasks.

Hubbin asked me if he could teach a class in person this winter. Why do I say yes when I mean no? I think he takes precautions and will have more control of that environment than a lot of places. I know isolating is bad for us particularly in the winter but also very necessary particularly in the winter. I could probably go on just staying here at the house for a very long time but I also feel like I need to be by myself for the sake of the people I love. I had planned a trip to the beach for this. Hubbin decided he wanted to go. I say yes because he probably needs away but already he’s planning to pack a bunch of stuff I never need when I travel alone. He wants electrical appliances (yes, plural) and menus and a whole bunch of other crap I don’t want to drag around. He’s messy. As long as I have the standard coffee maker and microwave I can manage with a toothbrush, undies, and a pile of pencils. I absolutely adore this guy but he complicates everything. (snip petty complaints here) But I have new snow tires and I should be thankful.