Rabbit Hole

When you’ve fallen down that deep, cavernous, haunting darkness that seems to engulf your very being, keeping your eyes closed and waiting to see what happens seems so very enticing.

Unfortunately, it’s the only way I can explain what’s it’s like living my life for the past three years. Graduating high school and going to uni, I’ve changed a lot. So much. But my friends will and might never realize because I’m self-aware enough to know that there is nothing productive about showing them the anxiety-ridden, self-punishing, pathetic being I’ve become. What will they do? What can they do? Offer me sweet words of temporary relief maybe. My mental health is on a crippling decline. And as someone who has glorified their self-awareness and emotional intelligence, gone through hours of the day analyzing and deconstructing myself in hopes to become the best version of who I am, it’s frankly, embarrassing.

And now I sit here. On a website, I’ve randomly found at 3am, in hopes that writing out my thoughts will sought it, and maybe some kind stranger might relate. Despite going through the entirety of my life never once telling the truth about how I genuinely feel, I have the inexplicable urge to write this publicly. Because I now realize how mind-numbingly lonely I really am. Surrounded by a family I’m terrified of, yet exists as my only reason to keep trying, and by friends who know me as bright, sociable, and funny. What a joke.

I don’t sleep properly, don’t eat properly, don’t exercise, and with a covid-19 lockdown, I’m in my room 12 hours a day. Every day I invest energy into convincing myself to be motivated and yet go to bed hoping I didn’t wake up. Every idle minute in my day is spent unconsciously fantasizing how this pain will end. It’s the story every person with depression has probably told, but I wish everything I felt was maybe just in my head.

Overthinking. Not Rationalising. But your parents love you! Your friends need you! The harsh reality of the world is that a blood bond isn’t always the strongest, and my parents have made that plenty clear to me before. As with friends, is there anyone on this earth whose only purpose to exist is for their friend?  Finding a reason to live is so damn f*cking hard when you cannot find any truth in a conventional one.

I don’t want to make this too long. It’s cryptic and messy, but I’d like to add more entries because as I’ve come to the end of this one, the fogginess in my head feels like it cleared up a little. Hi kind stranger 🙂